a story nobody gave a shit about or is it nobody gives a shit about me

Absolute complete and utter bullshit. I mean seriously WHAT THE FUCK!!! Why do people ignore me and hate me? When I talk to my mom on the phone, unless it's in an answer to her question, she does not listen to anything I say. She is too busy watching TV. When I talk to my husband he completely ignores me because he is watching TV or looking at stuff on his phone. I send him text messages and private messages that he just swipes away. I tagged him in post on Facebook and he never responds to them. On Facebook in our nature group I will post pictures and 5500 members will ignore me. Not one comment just fucking thumbs ups. For the record I hate those things. I want input, I want to know what people think of my pictures. I comment on every single one of their Post in the group . I can understand if it was one maybe two posts but it is every single post. I have a whole two friends. One is not even on my Facebook but I did talk to him later that day and told him I was writing a short story to possibly get published and looking for public opinion. He didn't even offer to read it. My other friend best I can guess she did not see the post. I try to let everybody know I'm here but nobody wants to know I'm there.

But the one that got me was the other day. I got the chance to submit a short story to a publisher. All I wanted was for some people to give me feedback on the short story. I wasn't going to submit it unless I got five people to give me criticism. In a Facebook post I said "I need somebody to read a story I wrote. It's a short story. I need brutal honesty. Adds/removals/rewording/grammatical. Need to submit it Monday.". I got a whole 2 replies. I sent both of them the story in Facebook Messenger. Only one replied back. I private messaged 2 others, one is a teacher who told me to send it to her on Monday. Yep thanks that's useful that's the deadline. The other one told me to send it to her but never bothered giving me feedback.

 What in the hell am I doing to people that make them hate me so much. I try my damnedest to be everybody's friend but apparently nobody wants to be my friend. But I want to post it so I decided to put it in my blog. To close.... FUCK YOU ALL FUCK YOU VERY MUCH

: Make Me Go Away: By Ronda Mills

A devoted wife and mother for many decades discovered that her body was dying. Everyday that passed she felt the pain. Every month one more thing in her body began to fail.  She could feel it in her bones, she could feel it in her soul, that she did not have long. She started with pushing away friends, conversations on the phone and hanging out were few and far between, then none at all.  Pushing away everything she loved but her family, so that she could cherish their every moment together.  Everyday she packed herself away. Removing one item a day and putting it into a box crying each time she told it goodbye. The memories tearing into her and the thought of what was to become of her family once she was gone. Items she locked away were things that only meant something to her. Things that would be given to her child when they moved out on their own. What they did with them she did not care for she would never know once she was gone.  She looked at the pictures on the walls reminiscing on the memories of when those pictures were taken. How young she was. How much her husband loved her. And how her child had grown. She grabbed her chest and fell to her knees in pain, tears pouring down her face onto her legs. What will happen to them once she is gone she thought. Then she wondered if she should take down the portraits that have her in them. Looking at them would only make their heart scream like hers was at that moment. But she decided it would be their decision as to what was to be done with those. As the months wore on every day she looked for something new to put in the box. And every day she found less and less things to collect. Wishing that she could hit ctrl-alt-delete on the day of her passing, erasing everything that would remind them of her. But she knew that was not possible so she just started to leave tiny notes in only areas that they would find that read I love you. When alone she would cry. She would cry for her husband. She would cry for her child. She would cry that she was going to miss the rest of their lives and being with them. Praying to God that he will make this transaction easy for them. It hurt her so to make herself go away but it would hurt her family less to put her things away. With all her stuff boxed up it made it easier for her family to Let Her Go. No physical items aside from the portraits laid around the home that they had made together. All that was left was for them to donate her clothes to a second hand store and have her cremated then her ashes tossed into the ocean, bag, box and all.  She did not even want a grave, as a grave would be yet another item to remember her by. All she wanted was to be forgotten and she started the process for them, to save them from the pain. The last words whispered from her lips into their ears were I love you don't mourn me. 

I need to vent. Yeah you will get pissed off.

I have been putting this off for a month. I kept talking myself out of it. But since I have no friends and my family only cares for themselves I need to write it somewhere. I figured this was a safe place as my husband said he will never read my blog ever again and my mother don't read long things. If you have read any of my past writing you know how wordy I am. So lets get this going... Warning this will bounce around in topic as I am just writing as it comes into my head.



DEPRESSED...... 

 I have been feeling depressed the past few months. Not to the point of killing myself but to the point of never wanting to do anything. Feeling worthless. Feeling unwanted until someone wants something.  It stems from many reasons, boredom, family, friends, or that I am about to turn 42. Hey there we go... lets talk about my birthday.


 So on August 12th 2017 I will be turning 42. Every year on my birthday I get a meteor shower. But I also get a monsoon that keeps me from seeing the meteor shower. I have been noticing them since 1996. Another thing I get on my birthday is a normal everyday routine. I get up with the kid. I feed the kid. I wait for hubby to wake. I feed hubby. I take care of them all day, feeding, hydrating, and cleaning up after them. I will purposely clean the whole house so that my work is completely done. I end up staying home all day. Oh wait no I do get to go out... I get to go herping. ON MY BIRTHDAY. Woo Hoo NOT!!!! Another wonderful thing I get every year is a fight with my husband. Either on the day of my birthday or the week of. Never fails.

Why can't MY birthday be about me, for me. Gifts for me, not to be used by everyone else. Dinner for me, at places that I like to go. I want breakfast in bed, prepared or purchased. Dishes from breakfast done, trash in the trashcan. No cleaning up after anyone. Everything involving house/wife/mother duties being dealt with by someone else. Taken out for lunch, dinner and desert. TO PLACES THAT I LIKE. Having a fun time outside of the house doing things that interest me. I like horseback riding, tubing down the river, bowling, drinking, singing, swimming, shooting pool, water parks, theme parks, driving out of the city but NOT FOR HERPING. A hot bath that is uninterrupted. Bed early so I can sleep longer than 4 hrs.  But that is just a pipe dream. Every year it is the same day same shit as every other day. Nothing is special about it.

This year I decided to plan a party for me. Nobody else was going to. A out of the house party. It was called a cold food party. I really wanted to go to the lake. Play in the water. Enjoy the sun. Listen to music. Be with MY FRIEND. Yeah the friends part is kinda hard when you only have 1. Everyone else are my husbands friends. During planning I had to be reminded that this party was for me as I was planning things for my son. There is no me. Well I got screwed out of the lake. A week prior we scouted out the lake. There is literally no place to go. If your vehicle rides low, tires are bad, brakes are bad or you don't have 4 wheel drive you are not getting a place near the water. Also if you have issues with balance or walking it also would not work. Many spots required a steep jagged rock hill to the water you could use to access the water. I discussed other lakes we could check out but my husband shot down every single one. He even shot down that we go to the clubhouse at my moms. He said people would most likely cancel now. Well instead I cancelled the party. Especially after I talked to him and said I wanted to cancel because it was going to be boring. I just didn't see  any fun in standing/sitting around a room, eating and listening to music. The pool you had to walk to and a resident needed to be at the pool the whole time we were there. My parents were not going to do it. I also thought it rude to be running from the clubhouse to the pool so that I could entertain both sets of people. Most of the people would be sitting on their phones anyways. I know my husband would be. He told me he didn't even want to go. REAL FUCKING NICE!!! Sorry my birthday was not doing stuff that you wanted to do. I forgot all plans must be things that you like to do. So I mass texted everyone, mass facebook messaged everyone, and put that it was cancelled in events. I replied to everyones' comments on the event that it was cancelled. I am never going to have a birthday again. Every time I plan something for myself it turns into a disaster. Now my mom is pissed  because I cancelled. Well shit I'm sorry I ruined it for you. I didn't realize this party was for you. 

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BORED

I am tired of being trapped in this house. When I do get to go out it is either to the doctors, the grocery store or herping. (at least I get out of the city somewhat for this one.) But otherwise it is me doing the house/wife/mother thing. Sunday hubby and kid are home.  Breakfast lunch/snack dinner clean up after everyone. Monday hubby is home but kid goes to school. I get up with the kid and get him dressed fed and cleaned up. Then wait for the bus. After I have send him off I spot clean then get hubby up. Who has promised me that he will get up with me and the kid on Monday mornings. He has gotten up maybe 6 times, since he started school, back in kindergarten. But that was because he had another agenda. I cant be trying to fight him awake on his day off while I am fighting my son to get ready for school. So I go in and ask if hes getting up. If he says a few more minutes I just crawl into bed and go to sleep. I know this routine all too well. It will be hours later before he finally gets up. Then he gets up and gets mad at me for letting him sleep so late. Well I'm so sorry but I'm not staying up so I can come in every half hour to try and not get you out of bed. But even if he does get up when I come get him he gets mad at me cause he is still tired. Mondays is supposed to be our day. Going to the movies, birding, shopping. Ha yeah right. We have done each once or twice but 95% of the time it is us sitting on the couch watching tv. Breakfast lunch/snack dinner clean up after everyone. Tuesday they both leave the house.  I get up with the kid and get him dressed fed and cleaned up. Then wait for the bus. I do laundry and run to the store for taco Tuesday. Breakfast lunch/snack dinner clean up after everyone.Wednesday they are both out of the house. I get up with the kid and get him dressed fed and cleaned up. Then wait for the bus. I wash the bed sheets and maybe some of Thursdays work. I used to go to my moms and do her housework. She had gotten hurt and sick so I was helping. After 3 months doing her house and my house it took a tole on my legs and back and I had to stop. Not to mention that it was hot as hell in there. I couldn't breath and sweat just poured into my eyes.  Some days I barely made it home in time for the kid to get home on the bus. Towards the end I started to take home her laundry and return it Friday. Then I just started doing her laundry on Wednesdays. I stopped doing that when I was hospitalized. Now she is mad at me cause I don't want to do her laundry anymore. Every week she guilt trips me about her laundry stacking up, and her house being dirty. Breakfast lunch/snack dinner clean up after everyone. Thursday they are both out of the house. I get up with the kid and get him dressed fed and cleaned up. Then wait for the bus. Though the kid comes home early.  I dust, sweep, mop, vacuum, collect trash, clean up the kitchen and sometimes bathe the dog.  Breakfast lunch/snack dinner clean up after everyone. Friday they are both out of the house. I get up with the kid and get him dressed fed and cleaned up. Then wait for the bus. I try to make this my day off. But I always end up doing laundry. Usually it is only one load. Breakfast lunch/snack dinner clean up after everyone. Sometimes we go herping. Saturday they are both home. We use to go on long herping trips. Now we just stay home and watch tv. Maybe at night we go herping. Breakfast lunch/snack dinner clean up after everyone. 

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WHERE DID SHE GO?

I have lost myself. I do nothing for myself anymore. I used to take nice long relaxing baths every other night. Usually Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. (days that I did a lot during the day) But hubby got pissed off because he wanted to watch shows and I was taking to long. So now I have to squeeze the bath in before the kid gets home. Sometimes this does not happen as I was working on so much and lost track of time. Which ends up with me taking a shower. I HATE showers. They are so cold. I used to buy myself a new shirt from savers every 2 weeks. Its been awhile since I have done that. Whenever I get to go out, somewhere that is not a quick trip to the store, and only if I am with my husband, I dress up. I take my hair down, put on make up, nice top. The last time I did this, I wore a dress, I got scolded. He blatantly told me I see you dressed up but were not going out to dinner or anything, we don't have the money.  Well at least he noticed I was dressed up. Most of the time he never even notices that I attempted to look good for him. (read previous posts for proof of that) I wasn't hoping for that. I was trying to get noticed. Other than dinner with my nephew last week we have not gone out to dinner since the end of May. I mean why when you have someone at home who can do it. Maybe I should be in excruciating pain and sick everyday like my mom. Then I could go out to eat every night. I used to sit in the bed of a truck in the very dark part of the desert and look at the stars. I used to color and watch cartoons. I used to talk on the phone. Used to is the key word. Now I just take care of everyone else. No wonder I am so fat.

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FRIENDS 

I used to have a lot of friends.  I used to have friends over. I used to go to friends houses. As the years went on my friendships went out the window. First it was because I quit doing drugs. Lost a 100% of my friends from that time. Why come over if I don't do anything or have anything. We moved away from Glendale where all my friends were and that left me lonely. I was not allowed out of the house in our new place because it was so dangerous. There was no where in the vicinity to go because of the safety of the area. A friend from high school found me but he lived up in Camp Verde and was impossible to Visit as he was always at work. I would beg to go see him when we took our herping trips north. I think that is the exact reason my husband stopped doing trips up north. I got to see him maybe 3 times a year. I went and saw him by myself 3 times, when he would come here it was a short visit as he was visiting all his friends in town. I was always home in time to make hubby dinner. It was years before I had another friend that I could do stuff with. I used to go on walks. Work out at the Gym. Hang out at the mall.  Go to concerts. Sit at Dennys for hours.  She and I would hang with other coworkers. But after I had my son she started to split off. My husband didn't want me going on walks because of the gas money. He made me quit the gym because of money. Eventually it was just us talking on the phone then I got fed up one day with never knowing anything. She had moved further away and gone to another state for vacation and I knew nothing about it. I figured if I wasn't important enough neither was she. I had one last friend to fall back on. She was a coworker. Because we both had young kids we would plan play dates. Go to the zoo. Once, sometime twice a month we would do karaoke. That got to be a strain as every time I went out hubby would call and ask when I was coming home or have me deal with our son over the phone.  Every couple years go drinking in a motel. But all that became few and far between. Our kids were getting older, starting school. She was working too. I had to quit my job as nobody could handle my son anymore. Hubby made more money anyways and wanted me to quit so that I could deal with him. Its been 6 years. The Camp Verde friend threw me in front of a train and chose his partner over me. I was not even asking him to. I had made a joke from our past. Like high school past, and his lover got upset. His lover of 4 months. Everyone ganged up on me and he didn't bother to defend me in any way. It has been many months. I have finally decided that he was never going to apologize and took his poster he drew off my ceiling. We have been friends since 1992 and he threw it all away for sex. I thought our friendship was stronger than that. I still think about him constantly. 

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 MY HUSBAND

We have been married since 1998. As the years progress it becomes more him and less me. We used to get our hair colored together. We used to go places. We used to take photos together. Now he goes out with others. Now he wants to go alone.  Everything we do is based on what he wants to do. IF we go out to eat it is Mexican food. IF we go to the movies it is what HE wants to see. I don't even know why he asks me. Even if we are watching tv it is the same thing. He asks me what I want to watch but he always turns on what he wants to see. I no longer ask to make love. I now wait for him to tell me he wants it. I got fed up with him suddenly getting sick or falling asleep. He gets mad at me for spending money on groceries but he can buy apps for his phone. He gets mad if I leave the kid with him to go to the store or when we have met up somewhere and I stick the kid with him to head home. He gets mad anytime someone calls me while we are doing something. But he spends hours on the phone with his. We get into fights about the same things constantly. Same fight different day. Me asking for help. Him saying he does which he don't. Then he helps for a week then its back to normal. Me asking him to deal with our son, and him only dealing once and that is it. I don't even know why I get upset anymore. I just know it is going to be a big blowout then sex. Now don't get me wrong I loves his sex. How he gets jealous of everyone. I'm not talking about a guy hitting on me jealous.(That never happens anyways) Like for instance...  If his buddy buys something he wants it too. If I go out and do something with a friend he has to do something the following week, or the next day. Or the same day like last time. He still won't let me live down kicking him out because I was sick and tired of him going out every single weekend and the fact that I thought he was cheating on me, but he didn't deny it. I had tried talking to him and I wrote him and he just ignored me. Like what I was saying was just something to laugh off. If we are playing the same game and I pass him he will stop playing. He comes home from work and he is either on his phone or watching tv. We will be out smoking and I'm trying to tell him something but he is so engrossed in his phone that I just get tuned out. A few times  I have tried 3 times to tell him something and he interrupts me. I give up. I have decided to stop trying to talk to him. I have am still learning to shut the hell up while watching tv. Maybe I should just text him everything I have to say. He has gotten mad at me for getting mad at the kid for something but he can get pissed at the kid. He hates that I read every night before bed. He can't grasp the concept that my brain is spinning like a fan blade and the reading forces it so slow down and be like a pinwheel in a mild breeze. I honestly think it is because it is something that he doesn't do so I shouldn't be doing it. My reading is also my me time. My baths used to be my other special me time but that upset him. He will purposely make the kid upset in the morning if I make him get up with the kid. He told me years ago that if I ever looked like my mom he would leave me. After that day I never let him see me naked and all of my clothes got bigger to hide my body. I tried to distract with tits but he don't look anymore. He said he hated my hair being up but when I put it down he don't notice. He won't take a shower for me but he will to go out with his friends. Every time I am tired he jumps my shit saying that I am diabetic now and that I quit the thyroid treatment, when he notices my weight. (doctor not me) The truth being I get up through the night because our son is calling for me. He buys me gifts that benefit him. Like sex coupons. Pots n Pans.... when I am shopping for him I can only think what he will like. When it is his special day I do what I can to make it all about him. He gets mad at me for his mistakes. Like when he keeps snoozing the alarm and he knows he needs to take a shower. He gets mad at me cause his blood sugar is low or high. He gets mad at me because he didn't get what he wanted.  I really wish he would get off his phone. Everywhere we go. Dinner, at the store, in the parking lot, at other peoples houses. Every time I look at him he is head down staring into his phone. He gets mad if I don't do the trash on Thursday. Oh I'm sorry that I did the rest of the house, went to the store, gave your son a bath and cooked dinner today. He says he will do something then never do it. Like his grandmothers computer. Like the litterbox twice a week. Like the music on his sons mp3 player.


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I HATE ME 

 I hate myself. I have for over 17 years. I hide my body in large clothes. My bathroom mirror is dirty because I never want to look at myself. I purposely turn my back to the mirror when I get out of the bath. I lay on the bed cooling off in the dark. I wrap a towel around my body when nobody is home. I infused a little accent when I talk to kill my voice. When I am going out to have a good time, I scrutinize all my clothes. If it is too tight on the rump or the belly I will donate it. If my upper arms or thighs show I donate the clothing if I can't cover it up. I wear my hair down to look sexy but when nobody notices I get the you are fat and ugly confirmation. Which is where I am now. I hate how everything from the waist down is in pain. I hate how my hair falls out in the bath. I hate how my hair sticks up everywhere. I hate my eyes have permanent darkness under the eyes. I look like a racoon. I hate that I walk with a limp. I hate nobody can find out what is wrong with me. I hate that my husband doesn't see me the way he used to. I hate that I can't play with my kid like I used to. I hate that my husband dislikes me being in pain, because he can't do the stuff he loves. I hate that I have scars on my legs. I hate that I'm lazy. I hate that I just can't fall asleep the minute I lay down. Go into a chat and they say ASL (age sex location) I always reply with 42, fat old and white, married, with a kid, in Arizona. But lately I am suffering from memory loss, wicked migraines and sharp pains. I can't figure out why. I gets the twangs of pain in my abdomen. They only last maybe a minutes but they hurt for that minute. The memory loss happens more frequently that I want to admit. I get confused as to why I am in a room. People will call me and after the call I can't remember what we were talking about. I know if I tell my husband he will just jump my shit that I need to go to the doctor. NO I DON'T. I don't want them to find something seriously wrong. If it is something life threatening it won't be much of a loss. It is not like my husband doesn't have someone to help him with the kid. I know he cant cook, clean, or organize anything, so he will just leave to his grandmother to take over. My son wouldn't even care. I have seen first hand that death from something he loves only matters when it is electronic. Much like how his father acts. I do not have the smarts for getting on the pc and looking for stuff. Things that require my husbands password forget it. He is constantly getting on me to find a new doctor. But it confuses me and I need help. Which I have asked for. Just like when I ask for him help with my bogo he gave me. If it don't help him then it don't get done.

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MY SON

He is my son. I raised him. When I say no I mean no. Like when I tell him he can not get a car. But his grandmother buys him one anyways. Like when I say no food were going to get something to eat when we leave. His grandmother proceeds to feed him cookies, cakes, and ice cream. I am the only one who gets up with him in the middle of the night. I am the only one who takes him to the doctors. I am the only one who prepares him meals, gives him baths, and takes care of him when he is sick. I am the only one that cleans up after him. I am the only one that makes sure his stuff is ready for the next day. Yes his father is here but asking him to assist results in a  bunch of grumbling or he sits on his phone until I get frustrated and do it myself. I am the punisher. His father only gets involved when it is disrupting his time. He only interacts with him when he has something on his phone to show him. I take him to get his clothes and his haircut. Even when he was an infant it was all me. I would go to work on 3 hours of sleep, work 8 to 10 hours, pick up kid from my mom and then go home and cook dinner. When I would get home there is my husband on his phone or his computer. I go the school functions. I sit and color with him. I make paper airplanes and do art projects. I take him to the zoo. Daddy just takes him herping. But that is because he wants to do it too. My son purposely hurts people because he thinks it is funny. Or at least he purposely hurts me and thinks it's funny.




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YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING






I do everything. I try to teach my son how to do stuff so that he does not turn out like his father. His grandmother never taught him anything. He has no idea how to cook, clean, do laundry, or even dishes. If he helped me he would at least learn the basics. We have gotten into many fights of me requesting for his help. It is a reoccurring complaint in my blogs. As read in the above portion of this blog I do all of the housework. I do all of the cooking. He just walks in sits down and gets served. If I was gone he would just pack up and move to his grandmothers.





 
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 SDW

I try really hard to make this group a great place to be. But ever since we got our new Admin it has been all about what she thinks, and what I think is null and void. We have always had this rule of nobody from foreign countries. She came out and says well if we tell them not to flood, people could learn about critters in other countries. This is SDW not Animal Planet. Right before she joined we started the rule no groups of over 150. But she came in and said but if we add these people their facebook will communicate to other peoples facebook and tell their like minded friends to join us. Every member gets greeted.  I have always said welcome to the family. Then she joins and is all it makes them sound like they are the kids. Remove it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS MY GREET. I WANT THEM TO KNOW THEY ARE ACCEPTED AS ONE OF US ALREADY. Also when members ask to join we look through their profiles. To see if they are a fit or there to advertise. Well now other admins are not allowed to accept or decline without her approval. My husband takes her side on every argument. That was it for me. I figured what good am I. She is the queen now and all things involving the group need to be approved by her. So last Saturday I said screw this shit and turned off notifications. Nobody else has noticed my departure. When hubby enforces that I say something in there I go in put and emoticon and leave. He's good for a few days. The other 2 don't even notice. I will give my input on potential members but they get ignored. If I add people then she gets upset cause she didn't get to look at them. There will be 9 people asking to join. She will add the ones that are an absolute yes and then just leave the others sitting there while more ask to join. Whos group is this? My husband will publicly out me in posts. Disagreeing with my statement. Telling me I'm wrong. 


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I know this will not be read but at least I got it out somewhere. Crying the whole time. But who the fuck cares anyways. I know for a fact that if my husband reads this he will jump my shit. He will help me for a few days then it will be back  to normal.