Where are my dreams?

There are very few things in life that I dream about having. I am not one of those greedy people that want everything they see. I want what matters. I have the typical girls dream to have a horse. But my biggest dream is to have a child. Preferably a little girl. Have had the name picked out since I was 16, well the first name at least. IF I ever had a daughter I would call her Angelina Jeannita. The name Angelina off my best friend and Jeannita off my mother and my husbands grandmother. I originally had it with 2 middle names but when I would say the whole name the two middles ones slammed together and formed one word so I just smooshed them together.

I don't know what makes me want to have a child so bad but all I know is that I would make an awesome mother. I am not abusive and have all kinds of plans once it is born. I would take a boy if and when I ever do get pregnant and still use a lot the plans on him. Jerry has already been told he can't name it from anyone in Guns N Roses. Though slash is such an awesome name.

I had done the fertility thing about 2 years ago but just as we were getting to the part where they take his swimmer and inject it into my egg, Jerry backed out and went off on expenses. So we stopped trying to get help to make my dream come true. It also doesn't help that my husband has very ,very few swimmers and that I do not produce enough eggs. I still try quite hard remembering all the little things that the doctor had me doing. It is still not working. Like Jeff Foxworthy says "I am trying a lot harder than he is". I try every time we make love.

I don't know what I did to make god mad me but it is not fair. He will give these 15 year olds kids, kids. Give families their 8th kid. Even let abusers of sex, drugs, alcohol, and bad living conditions a child. But not me no, I am not worthy. I work, I don't do drugs, I rarely drink, and I have compassion and love for kids. So what is the reason I can't have one. I would try to adopt but I know the state would find my house unsafe due to the rattlesnakes (my husband won't give those up), and that we do not make enough to support the child. Though most families nowadays live off of the state and foodstamps. I was told quite a few times that if I do adopt I will most likely get pregnant. WOO HOO come on lets adopt. My mothers form of birth control was telling all guys that I was the next in line for triplet girls. When she stopped telling them that is when I started having sex. But not because of her birth control it was because I was not ready. I was 17 I think when I finally had sex.

Over the years I have kept stuffed animals, books, movies, and made plans for the child I would like to finally have. With the luck that I have I feel that it will never happen, because I don't get what I want, everyone else does. I will continue to hold, love and play with everyone else's kids though. Kinda works out being a photographer. But that is all I will ever be able to do.

My dream is to have a child that is the my biggest dream, prayer, and hope. I guess you can't always have what you want in life. Especially not me. There are only so many stars you can wish upon, prayers you can have and coins you can toss before the dream fades away.