All For You and None for Me

I am one of those people who try to make it awesome for everyone and do nothing for myself. I will sit here and buy someone something at least once a day, even if it just a soda or candy bar, when I desperately need something for myself. I don't know if I am waiting for someone to buy it for me, waiting for an insane amount of money, or for the reason I need it to become overwhelmingly apparent that it is crucial that I buy it now, no more waiting.
My husband gets the receiving end of all my gratuity. I must buy him a gift every week. I have been needing new shoes for 2 months, therapeutic kind. Instead I have bought him playstation games, taken him out to dinner, long herping trips, movies, new kinds of drinks and candy. When it is gift giving time like birthday and Christmas I buy A LOT of stuff. Spending hundreds of dollars just to make sure it is awesome. Though my purchases don't seem to make it enough. Every time I do give something I always get the response that there is something I missed or that there is a better version out there. Or the item gets used for a week or two then it is never seen again or left to collect dust.
At work I attempt to make everyone's visit memorable. I give out candy to the kids, tell jokes to the parents, and have a constant smile. I let them do things I am not really supposed to do. I try to make people remember me by standing out from the rest of the people. It works to a degree. I do have a lot of repeat customers, or I should say a lot of kids who repeatedly come and play with me.
I literally exhaust myself for perfection and happiness with work and everyone else. But my own happiness is what is getting left behind. I am not like depressed and hating life but there is nothing in it for me. Well not totally nothing cause I get the overwhelming feeling of satisfaction seeing their faces and knowing I yet again made another person happy. I do it everyday of my life. Like in my previous blog about acceptance. I try my hardest to get noticed and I am still forgotten. I make the rest of the world happy and leave nothing for myself. I have asked and asked for stuff for years and it always ends up making everyone else upset cause they are not getting what they want, or they don't want to do it. I do not ask for much but when I do ask it just gets ignored or I hear "I have been trying but....." I know, I know, I have to buy it for myself and give it to myself if I want something. But I can't seem to make myself do that cause then I feel like I left someone out and wasted money on something that could of been used on someone that needed it more.
I take people out that are in from out of town or family members special days and attempt to make it a memorable experience. After the day is through I feel as though it was not enough and I could have made it much better. Am I trying to make people feel pity for me... no I don't think so. I just wanted to get this feeling inside of me out. I know people who are reading this are going to get upset at me but this is my blog and I need to speak my mind. Release I need to release. Tomorrow I won't be thinking of this anymore.. Hell in about an hour I will have forgot. I will think of it again in a few days when I do something for someone and realize I should of done it for me. But then I will know I just made someone else happier for at least a few minutes.
I can hear all those people out there going... I bought you that soda when you asked me to, I shared my snack on that car ride, I gave you clothes I bought from the thrift store. And I thank you for doing that but most of the time I either asked for it you felt guilty cause you also bought something for yourself or for someone else. Or in my husbands case I started a fight with him to get it. I want to write a list of things I want but then I know that people would give it to me because of this blog. Those of you who actually hear me... Thanks for the whim presents. For those of you who don't thanks for the guilt present. All I asked is to be pampered.. I think. Just something that is for me would be great. Not bought for me but actually for you to use, given to me because you can't use it, out of guilt/pity, or even one so I don't feel left out. SIGH I am probably not even getting through to anyone,,, it is just me doing what I do best,, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

Thanks for reading anyways.