The Honeymoon is over

Well for me its not but for him it is.

It is 3:00am on Dec 9th. For the past three months he has made it a point to snap at me every day and night. It always ends up with up a screaming match, or if I can't take another day of it I just ignore it and go away. One night I could have sworn I heard him say "even the sound of her voice annoys me." But that was never confirmed. It could had been on TV.
Anyways. He has no sarcasm, not even an ounce of it. SO it makes it really hard when he says something, whether he is serious or if he joking. I am not the only one who can't hear it. With him being so punchy lately I definitely have no idea. Like last week. I was cooking dinner and we were talking about his grandmother being sick. I mentioned that we should take her the medication that I had bought for him. That's when he said "I am still trying to get rid of what you gave me". Well I read into it and heard I am still trying to get over the medications that you gave me. Like the ones I had given him had made him worse. I continued to cook dinner and he started in on me because I was not comprehending what he was saying. I kept asking him to clarify but he kept repeating himself. Then we started screaming at each other. Well he had actually meant it was my fault that he had gotten sick in first place. Which I did not do on purpose but he acts like I purposely coughed, sneezed, and blew my nose on him.
That is another thing that I have figured out he will go off on me for. If I am sick or have a pain. I have gotten to the point that I won't let him know what is wrong until I am ready to pass out from pain, or if I just becomes noticeable that I have a cold. I have an issue with foods. Mostly tortilla items like chips or burritos. Sometimes when I eat them I get this crazy pain in my stomach and it hurts like hell. Well have these pills calls tramadol that work swimmingly to cure it. Well when Jerry sees the pain in my face he asks what it wrong. Which I love him for cause that means he notices. When I say tramadol though he gets this look on his face like.... fuck our night is screwed. I always take my pill and 45 minutes later it is withering away. I have feet issues. When it first started it was foot pains. But because the doctor took so long to deal with the one foot the other started having issues. Anyways. At first when my feet would hurt he would do for me whatever I was going to go do. Now he just pauses the tv and gets mad cause I didn't ask him to pause whatever we were watching. Now my ovaries are messed up and create waves of pain below my belly button. When this ones happens, I try to avoid telling him but eventually I just have to sit down. When I do he looks away and his face gets all tight. That is the look of oh fucking hell she is sick again. Then he looks at me and says get up were going to the emergency room. I tell him no I just need to sit down and he starts huffing and puffing. Then gives me the pissed off voice and says lets go.
I have been avoiding writing this blog for awhile. I always want to come in here and start writing it every time I have done something to piss him off. But I don't. But this time I needed to get it off my chest. A couple of hours ago he got on his computer and I heard him doing his aggressive typing. That means he was writing pissed off. I am pretty sure he blogged about tonights fight cause he was very very unhappy with me. I have not read it yet because it will make me write more in a angry tone that I want to. I will read it next week. He will probably never read this cause he don't check my blogs unless I tell him to.
Last night was a disaster. It was the corporate holiday party. We go every year. These are so boring but we still go. Jerry didn't want to go this year because it was supposed to be outside and they moved it inside because of the rain. I eventually talked him into it. The theme was western and you can dude up or dress casual. We duded up. We were dressed the same, blue jeans, same flannel shirt, read shirts underneath, and a blue bandanna. It was my idea to do this. I like showing people we love each other so much that we will dress the same. When we started to look for a parking for we noticed ALLOT of people dressed really fancy. I immediately wanted to go home. But we went inside anyways. When we started getting closer to the room we saw more and more people dressed up. As we walked into the main room we watched some people throwing horseshoes onto a wall that had horseshoes hanging from it. The idea was to link the shoe around the shoe. Jerry tried it and got none. Out of the ten people standing there 8 tried it. I wouldn't as I felt I would throw to hard and hit the ceiling or it would go over the wall and hit the lit up cardboard cactus behind it. I figured I would drink some and then try it. I would have a sobriety excuse. Outside the door they were shooting at each other with cap guns. one person stands on one side of the table the other person stands on the other side and there is a piece of glass in the middle and you shoot at your partner. It was incredibly loud. I have my share of ear issues I was not willing to blow out my ear drums. Jerry got pissed I would not even try that. When I explained it hurt my ears he gave that look again of she is always sick. Inside were many dining tables and 2 liquor bars, plus the buffet. I visited the liquor bar immediately. In the corner people were having their pictures taken. As it is my profession I was watching that. Someone had walked up to say high to Jerry and when he went to introduce me I had my head turned away watching the photography. He pulled at my arm and when I turned back he was looking at me like I was being incredibly rude for looking straight forward and bowing to everyone I meet. I shook their hands and smiled then glanced back at the camera. I really wanted to take pictures with my husband, since we had not done our anniversary pictures or our Christmas pictures this year. Jerry stopped and talked to everyone he saw. I only new maybe 6 of them and only 2 I can talk to. We kept going outside and having discussions. He was clearly pissed off at me because I would not play the games. I tried to play with him lovingly by giving him kisses and holding him but he would not return the favor he just stood there coldly and looked across the yard ignoring my actions. We found a place to sit and eat. People were going out onto the dance floor, and Jerry asked me to go. As always I said no. I DO NOT DANCE!!!!!!! I have no rhythm and I trip over my feet. I was even more scared for my husband than I was for myself because all the people at this party were big wigs. His bosses. I did not want to give them an excuse to harp on him or fire him cause I am incredibly stupid. When I am at his work he constantly gets on me for things that I say or do because of corporate. Things like fixing his hair, kissing him more than a peck, talking to loud, certain things that I say. so there was no way I was going to embarrass him. But he did not see that. So for round 3 he was mad at me. This is the one that sent him over the edge. He was fucking pissed. So I said fine lets fucking dance. He stared at me hatefully and said never mind. After sitting there for awhile we went outside where he followed groups of people around trying to talk to them. It was fine when he stood there but when I would walk up they would move away to another area. Jerry would just walk to another group and start talking to them till they moved away too. The whole time we stood outside and talked I was having pains in my ovaries it had started while he was mad at me for not dancing. But there was no way I was going to let Jerry know. He would flip out. We stayed outside for roughly an hour. I used the restroom and did some deep massaging on the sore spot but nothing helped. As we walked back in the door we had our picture taken then he just stood there like he was looking for someone to talk to. I stood at his side like I had been doing all night long with my mouth shut. Waiting for him to decide what were going to do next. I decided I should sit down for a few minutes before I fell down. Jerry looked at me like he saying "what?" I said nothing and slid my hand under my flannel and rubbed my belly where he couldn't see. Still standing about 5 feet from me. He said what again. I told him my ovaries hurt. He rolled his eyes and shook his head as he looked across the dining hall again. I new he would do that. He leaned down to me and said lets go I am taking you to the emergency room. Immediately I said no and just sat there. Pissed off he said lets go. I still just sat there and told him I just needed to sit down for a couple minutes. Then he got that tone his voice that makes me move quickly. Storm used to use it on me so I new what it meant. Jerry has never hit me but that voice is enough to make me thing he will. I got up quickly lowered my head and followed him out the door. Trying not to start crying. He had hated me through the whole holiday party and now that I was hurting he was even more pissed at me. Though he would not say he didn't want to leave I new us leaving early would be blamed on me and would fuel the fire. I didn't want to leave. Actually what I wanted to do was just go and sit in the truck and he could dance with whatever female that he wanted to like he did many holiday parties ago. So that he could enjoy himself without me being there because obviously I was ruining his night.
We got into the truck and left and the WHOLE drive home he let me have it. He made it very clear that I am boring, unloving in public, and that we will never go to a holiday party again because of me. He cleared the air about my pains that my lying to him about the pains was not the smartest thing in the world. I explained back that I did not want him to know because he gets pissed at me when I tell him. So if I tell him at the time of pain he will get mad cause our activities are ruined, or later in the pain he will be mad because I went this long in pain and didn't tell him. It is a lose lose situation.
Lately it has been feeling like he is hating me more and more every day. A month ago I brought it to his attention that I felt we were drifting apart. That he was losing his love for me. He said we were fine had a huge falling out and went on our way. A week or two later he turned it on me and said the same thing. Oh yeah I am sure. I revolved my world around him. I don't do anything, go, see, watch unless he is with me.