Every relationship has its moments, whether married or just dating, where you just want to throw the person you are with across the room. Any reason can trigger this situation. A snide remark, insufficient sex, the wrong gifts or no gifts at all, the biggest always being that 50/50 deal. Some women will act on it and others with just dream it. I am the dreamer. Though most women dream A LOT more than I ever will, because they have a bad relationship.
I have one of those relationships that not many people get to experience. I don't know what it is called technically, but to me it is called unconditional love. The kind of love where you can't see yourself with anyone else, and thinking about being apart from them is heartbreaking. I know, yuck! But it is true. I want to spend every waking and sleeping moment with him. No matter what I do or where I go I want him to be with me. The same is for him. I attempt to not do anything that he is not interested in. Most of the time that leaves me with doing everything that he wants to do, and me not doing what I want to do. But that is fine, I have aclamated to that. I feel guilty when I have been asked to go out with a friend and he can't go. I attempt to rearrange the get together to when I know he will be gone, or if he is working I make sure to be done before he gets off. Most of the time I just cancel the plans unless he can go to. Does that make me a slave? I don't think so, I think it just makes me devoted.
It is crazy how much I love him. I crave his touch. Any kind of touch, even if it is me touching him. It is the electric shock I get from his touch that draws me back for more. Not a moment goes by when were out and about that I have to cop a feel, hold his hand, stare into his eyes (which makes me just melt), or even walk hip to hip with him. When I can't touch him I will call him or text message him, just letting him know that I am thinking of him. It makes him crazy that I do that and people who know me say that I am being to clingy, and it will make him leave. All I am doing is letting him know that he is on my mind all the time. When at home we used to sit side by side, until I realized we could not do this without having sex. As pleasurable as it is, it kind of affected our movie or show watching that we did nightly. So now he sits on the couch and I sit on the loveseat but my hand is always on his leg or I will turn and look at him. I just have to feel him somehow. Even when we are in the same room playing on the computers I will send him messages.
We fight just like any other person, and over the stupidest things. But every couple does that. We will argue about going to bed, me not using the light right on our snake trips, or him not doing something I have asked him to do and then he gets mad cause it did not get done. That is one reason why women end up doing everything. Our fights have never become seriously violent. I have walked out a few times but I just go for a walk, I always return home. My husband will attempt to get in the car and leave but I always stop him because he WILL wreck the truck. I have been pushed down or against a wall but I have totally deserved it. That is what I get for getting in his face and yelling. I always cry. Supposedly women who cry during an arguement are looking for attention or sympathy. Me? Yeah I do it too, but only when I am in BIG trouble.. like with the cops or my mom. Pity me works well on the cops providing you look innocent enough. Anyways, I do cry during arguments with my husband, but not for the same reason other women do it. I do it because I get to thinking that he is going to leave me and I will never get to hold him again. It seriously terrifies me. Then he will say certain things about us seperating and I will cry harder. I don't want to seperate... just hold me and tell me you love me. Let me feel and hear that love.
I love him so much. A friend of mine made a comment that I buy his love. That could be true because I am always buying him gifts. Whether it is a candy bar or a new pair of pants. I don't only buy for special occassions, I buy them because I love him. Standing in line at a checkout and I will see something that catches my eye. I never think I will love it. I immediatly think he will. So I buy it. Most of the time I don't think if we have the money, I just want him to have it, and I get it. If somehow it does strap us, I will sacrifice something of mine so he can keep his. Like in a previous blog I said all for them and none for me. That is still so true. Everytime he wants something he gets it. Well if it is not super expensive he will. I let him do whatever he wants and go wherever he wants. To a degree. He is not allowed to go drinking without me and no snake hunting without an adult. HEHE that makes him sound like a kid but it is for his own safety. Oh geeze now I sound like my mom.
I talk about my husband to everyone who will listen. He gets mentioned in every conversation. I absolutely adore him. I carry pictures of him in my pocket, in my wallet and on my cell phones. He is also mentioned a hundred times in my blogs. I will sit sometimes and stare at my wedding ring and just smile. I honestly truely love him. Just thinking about him makes my insides just quiver. I can't say there is nothing that I would change about him, because he is not perfect. No man is. But his imperfections is what makes him the way he is. THAT is why I love JERRY FAR.
THIS is all about ME ME ME. All of my life I have always put the world before me and because of that I get SHIT on so this blog is MINE and you can just shove it. You don't wanna read it don't come here. I will be writing in it as much as possible so that my family knows how I am doing. Is cheaper this way. OH and I am pretty sure I will piss off people so unless your looking for a fight I would seriously read the title before reading the subject. MY first entry will begin April 1, 2005.
