The day my husband almost died

I almost lost my husband. On August 9th, 2013 at 6:00 a.m. I was awaken to my husbands arm landing heavily on me across my chest. I removed it and suddenly felt the bed shaking. I looked at my husband and his whole face was twitching. Like he was having a violent nightmare. I shook him and he slightly lifted his head, made a noise, and layed his head back down. He continued twitching. Thats when I noticed his whole body was doing the same thing. I shook him more violently. No response. My heart jumped to my throat and I yelled "David your blood sugar is low". I got up turned on the light and came to his side of the bed. I pulled him up to a sitting position but he still shook. I yelled his name and shook him for any type of response. He was having a seizure. His very first one. I let him slump to the side and I took off to the kitchen and grabbed a mountain dew. I opened it and took a sip so that it was not on the brim. Sitting him back up and dragging his legs over the side I then lifted his head it an attempt to pour some sugar into him. (Usually two dews and he's back to new) I could not get his head to tilt back to get anything into him. His convulsions were to violent. I Screamed his name and shook him again. I threatened him that I was going to call 911. Usually he tells me no and gets angry. He just shook and gasped. I eased him back to his side. In tears I launched myself across the bed to my phone. I looked at him shaking and cried "oh god please don't die" I sat Dave back up and dialed 911. "911 what's your emergency." Panicked I reply "My husbands having a low sugar reaction." The operator told me to hold while she contacted the fire department". In my head I thought 'on hold for 911? And I don't want a fireman I want a paramedic.' She comes back on and says "they are going to ask you for your address." "Um ok." I hear a guy say what's your address. I tell him my address and he asks me questions like "is he breathing, is he responsive, when did he last eat". "Yes, no, last I'm aware of was around 7pm." He says "don't give him any food or drink unless he can hold the object himself." I explain my dew attempt but he seems to ignore that. He starts to say something else but Dave is shaking so violently that he is sliding off the bed. I keep trying to talk on the phone and lift him back up but he's a shaking dead weight. I tell the guy he's falling off the bed and going to get hurt and to hold on. I throw the phone to the bed. I turned him sideways then onto his back, sat him up, wrapped my arms under his armpits and pulled him to the end of the bed, I turned him so he was completly flat, on his back, at the bottom of the bed on the floor. Grabbing the phone I sit on the floor and lift Dave up so he is resting against my chest slightly inclined. He is now foaming at the mouth. "your son needs you. I need you." I'm freaked out by this point. I tell the fireman what I had to do and the guy said "can you place a blanket under his head?" I explain a little ticked "I told you he is resting against my chest I'm holding him up." I notice one of Dave's legs are under the bed and bouncing into the undercarriage of it. But I was not moving. The fireman says "they should be arriving in a few minutes. Just keep an eye on him goodbye." I say goodbye and hang up the phone. GOODBYE YOUR NOT GOING TO STAY ON THE PHONE WITH ME UNTIL THEY ARRIVE? Picking my phone up I call my mom. Right now Im thinking "my husbands having a seizure and will probably have to go to the e.r. I need someone to take care of the baby. So I called my mommy. She answers panicked "hello"! "Mom I need you at my house now!!!!" The voice in my head says 'mommy I need you'. She yells back "what?" I repeat myself "Mom I need you at my house now!!!!" "Ok" was her reply and we hung up. It would take 15-20 minutes before she would arrive. I broke down crying. "David please don't leave me I can't do this without you." I had done all I could, now I just had to wait. The firehouse is only a mile and a half away, should only be a few minutes. It felt like hours. Suddenly the quakes turn to shutters, then little hiccups. I sit him up a little more and shake him. I was losing him. I held onto his arms for dear life and start cursing that the emergency crews were taking too long. He went completly still and my tears fell to his shoulder. I was about to scream out in extreme terror. I started thinking cpr and how it was performed. That was when his left arm raised and he brought it up behind his head to my face. "David?" He raises up and sits indian style. Like he was just waking up. "Your blood sugar is severly low." He says "get me my tester." I'm thinking I don't need to know how low it is I just went through the worst episode ever. I give him the mountain dew and I go get it anyways. I hand it to him relieved he is still somewhat coherent after all of that. The tester reads 42. UH WRONG no way its that high after the traumatic episode we just encounted. Knowing he will be upset I tell him "I called 911 and my parents." He says "call them back and cancel." Like I had just ordered pizza or something. Thats when I heard the truck outside. "Too late their here." I disarm the house alarm, pick up mystyk, and let the four men and one woman in. "That way then left to the end. He's conscience now." They filed in one after another the female saying hi to Buckeye as she walks by his room. One fireman was on Dave's right, the firewoman on his left, one in front of my bathroom and two in the doorway. They hook him up to a blood pressure cup and check his blood sugar. They ask him questions like "what's your name? How old are you? Whens your birthday? What medications are you on? Are you allergic to anything? When was the last time you ate?" He answers all of them. I was answering them in my head. ' david mills. 39. 8-30-73. Humalog lantus lisinopril. No. At 7pm. (That one I got wrong he had eaten half a granola bar right before bed. That is probably what saved him.) The blood sugar test they did came up with 24 (normal is 100, 24 is death). I was shocked he was so lucid. I see one of the firemen bend down to pet mystyk. I call my mom to cancel her but she denies me. They ask me to make him a sandwhich and have idol conversation about peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. Dave is acting as though nothing has happened. It was like the firemen just came for a visit. I return with the sandwhich and he is sucking down a glucern tube. Dave has me call his work to inform them of what is going on. I walk out the front door with phone in hand and the smokes. I light up immediately and talk to his co-worker. Hanging up I cry a little thankful I still have my husband. I light another one. I see all the firemen leaving just as my parents arrive. I thank each one as they walk past me. Watching the fire truck leave we enter the house. Sitting in the living room we find Dave sitting on the couch. Sandwhich gone. He asks for another and a bottle of water. Sitting there talking he discoveries a wound on his right shin. The leg that was under the bed. I immediately clean it and bandage it. Looked like road rash. Two hours later my parents deciding all was fine left and we went back to bed. Dave, of course falls asleep instantly. I stay up til 9:30 where I cried and dozed. All day long I had bouts of sneaky tears and aching heart. But I let knowone see it. He went to work like it was just another day. To me it was the day I was almost a widow.

Right now I'm thinking 'best birthday present ever. I still have my husband

After the letter

I love my husband and I want us to work. I'm still hurting, but its getting better. It took a few days for me to accept him back. I had a hard time with it. I kept telling him to reread my blogs and he would understand how I felt and what I want out of this marriage. Apparently he could not do this. I had to eventually write out a list of demands. And this is what was said from time of drop of letter of and on. I sent the letter in email, facebook messanger and text msg.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((FROM DAVE IN EMAIL))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) sorry if it's all over the place my email was not loading them correctly.

(DAVE)  I wasn't going to reply for a bit, but I'm so upset right now I can't not.

I did read your fucking emails days ago and I have been trying to do more. I guess cleaning up the 20 piles of shit on the ground the other day went unnoticed. I guess a lot went unnoticed. Why don't you read my god-damned blog for a change. ( jerryfar.blogspot.com )  Me loving on you was partially because of the email, but also because I love you.

Regardless of what you think you are the one I think of all the time. I love both of you whether you want to believe that or not. I don't have a fucking mistress and if you'd read my blog you'd know that.

I'm tired of being stressed every day because I feel like you're pulling away. I was so upset this morning I almost hit someone in the parking lot leaving so thank you for that. I wasn't gonna go to Nana's, but I knew I would kill someone else or myself by how reckless I was driving this morning.

Of course I don't want to end it, but your actions today have made it perfectly clear you don't want me anymore. If you want to make it work then fine. If you don't then I'm sorry for ruining your life.

I love you. :-(

Goodnight.


(RONDA)  First about the poop. The yard guys were here Monday. I thought they did it.

There are too many things that point to you having a mistress.  Hour and a half conference calls that last 4 hours.  You are never home. You come home late in the mornings. Your gone every weekend. You shave to go herping. And you are always on your phone.
You are the one who needs to work on this marriage not me. I am your  slave asking for help. You are my master ignoring me and continuing with your life. I told you how you can fix it.

(DAVE)  You don't want me back. You made that perfectly clear. Thanks for throwing our life down the drain. Thanks for ruining the best part of my life. I guess we can now be like every other god damned couple that ends it after so long.

Thanks for pulling this shit while I'm on call too. YOU need to contact me because I'm so pissed off right now you don't want me to come home.

You can think what you want. I don't have a fucking mistress. I never did.  I have pictures with you showing your belly when you were upset. Lately that's all the time. I guess we'll have to talk about custody rights if you're so he'll bent on destroying EVERYTHING we have.

It's obvious you want someone to abuse you again or you wouldn't be bringing that trash up again. I'm positive your mom has a lot to do with the shit you've pulled. I'm so upset I can't write anymore.....



(DAVe) How could you not think I'm attracted to you? I ALWAYS ask to make love in the light. I ALWAYS ask for you to get completely naked and let me see you.
I know you've gained weight, but I still hang onto your pictures you've given me in the past. If I wasn't attracted to you why would I?

I posted on fb last night because you said you hadn't had anybody open doors or pull out chairs since Storm... While that's bullshit I can deal with it, but when you even put me REMOTELY anywhere near someone that abused you that bad (I knew, but I've also been reading your blog) how do you expect me to react?! Maybe I should come home and beat the shit out of you and then rip your clothes off, bend you over and shove my dick in your asshole dry..

It just hurts me really bad you would even CONSIDER me having a lover besides you. ME.

I'm too upset to write anymore. Goodnight again.. I love you. :-(

(RONDA)  The pictures and videos NEVER showed my belly. EVER. Those videos took me hours because I had to keep stopping and restarting because my belly showed or my tits sagged. The pictures took forever too. The blubber never sat correctly. I have let you have the light on as long as long as I got to keep something across my belly. That was never good enough.

I never compared you to storm. All I said was I have not seen chivalry since storm. You have not been chivalrous with pulling out chairs, opening car doors.

As said in previous email there were too many reasons you do have a mistress.


(RONDA)  I have not once said I want this to be over. I only said you can stay there until you figure out how to fix us. I have only said you need to reread the emails and reread the blogs to figure out how to fix this marriage. You need to fix it not me. Apparently you are not even willing to work this out if you are willing to just throw it out without even attempting to work it out. I have not said anything about wanting you to be like storm you are the one who keeps bringing that up. All I said is that you have not displayed chivalry. That's the last time anyone has shown chivalry to me was storm. From what I am reading you are just chewing me out like you always do and ignoring me and putting me to blame. I held my hand out and asked for help you slapped it away and turned your back and ignored me. like you always do. The ideas of how to fix it are there you are just refusing to read it. I said I still love you. I said I would take you back if you would work on it. But from what I am reading I am but of course the bad guy because I got tired of Begging and just threw you out. and as far as custody goes it'll be like it is now me and him 24 /7 you barely there. You're not even reading anything that I'm writing because if you were you wouldn't be screw you fuck you I don't care this is bullshit what you're doing to me me me me me me I can't stand what you're doing to me. the reason I am doing this is because of what you are doing to me. I am under a lot of emotional and physical stress I only asked you to do something and you did what you always do you told me no. You are the one who does not want this marriage to work. So make up your mind now you get the house and the kid or do I. apparently you are willing to let this all go. Nana is more than happy to see me go. my mother had no idea what had been going on. She  did not find out what I was doing until two days ago. She like many others would love to see me happy again, but you don't.   I tried to push you to make this better but you ignored me. Like always. I love you. Always have and always will but you, you need start focusing on someone other than yourself. I was hoping by kicking you out you would go oh shit she's serious this time. Maybe I should start listening to her cries for help and do something.  But you didnt. You immediately went why is she doing this to me me me me.

(DAVE) Please don't leave me Ronda. Please let me work on my issues. Let me do what I can to fix our life. Know that deep down I resent you a lot. I don't know what this will do to us, but I'm willing to try.

Effective immediately I won't be going ANYWHERE with friends or anything. I want you to go out while I watch Rilee. I want you to have fun for once. Whether you want to admit it or not being away from you is killing me.

I want to come home...

Just know I won't be the same person. We probably won't be intimate for a while if at ever because now I wonder if you ever want me touching you again. Maybe we will just be two people that live together and take care of duties and a child.

Is that what you want? What the FUCK do you want Ronda?! What can I do to make this nightmare go away?
:-(

(DAVE) And I said I'm done. I'm not going anywhere anymore. You would never afford to live how we do if I were gone. I told you I'd try... You need to go out and be with friends and do something that makes you happy. I will always love you Ronda but how am I supposed to feel now? Change and then expect everything to go back to how it was? You're the one that's been posting pictures for a while upsetting me th3 whole time.

   
(RONDA)Great so now because you are not going to be going anywhere anymore you're going to fight with me every single weekend because you are at home. Do not tell me you won't because you will you always do. What else are you going to do to right this marriage. I do not want you coming home tonight I still need some time. I need to know that you are serious about making changes. I need to know that you are going to make this right. You are killing me slowly by the way you treat me. Your son has noticed it too. I know I could not afford to live here and take care of your child because I do not work that was your choice. I have done what I can do to make this right it is your turn. Just telling me that you will make it right tells me nothing I want to know what you were going to do.



(DAVE) What do you want me to do? Tell me.


(DAVE)Please don't leave me Ronda. Please let me work on my issues. Let me do what I can to fix our life. Know that deep down I resent you a lot. I don't know what this will do to us, but I'm willing to try.Effective immediately I won't be going ANYWHERE with friends or anything. I want you to go out while I watch Rilee. I want you to have fun for once. Whether you want to admit it or not being away from you is killing me.I want to come home...Just know I won't be the same person. We probably won't be intimate for a while if at ever because now I wonder if you ever want me touching you again. Maybe we will just be two people that live together and take care of duties and a child.Is that what you want? What the FUCK do you want Ronda?! What can I do to make this nightmare go away?
            :-(


(RONDA) I shouldn't have to tell you I have written it repeatedly. read past blogs.

€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€
From Dave via text after reading my don't come home
€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€

(DAVE) Please reply to my emails or here... I don't give a shit. Please don't shut me out Ronda. I know you're serious now and for that I'm truly sorry. We can work this out.

(Me) I have been replying. But your family is busy chewing me out.

(DAVE) Fuck my family. Kathy needs to stay out of it. Are you willing to let me come home? Will you talk to me please?! If you care I've never cheated on you and don't ever plan to. My promises may be shit as you put it, but that's a promise I will never break.

(Me) You Have no Idea what is like to try to keep  this a secret and suddenly have everybody all over me because of you. You are making me to be the bad guy when you are the one who made me do this. Only two people caught on to those pictures nobody else good that I was posting on Facebook and I still didn't tell them what was going on you have made it public

(DAVE) You're full of shit. Look at your actions. Did you really think I wouldn't notice? All of the pictures you post are directed to ME. So two people caught on. Big fucking deal. I'm glad this happened. Maybe now you'll talk to me. If not then we can sell the house and go our separate ways. Is that what you really want?
Do you really want to destroy everything? I told you I'd try, but that's not good enough.

(Me) I want to know what you are going to do? How are you going to make this better? I have not been mysterious about how this can be fixed I have  cpme right out and said it. but yet you still ask me how can you fix this. I don't want to have to spell it out for you I want you to figure it out by rereading.

(DAVE) I did fucking read it. Multiple times. I told you I wasn't going out anymore. I told you that it's your turn. I told you I'd help out when I can. I've tried this week already by helping with the table and cleaning all of the dog shit. I can't change overnight and it's very unfair that you would ask me to. You say you love me yet you do THIS. Then I tell you we won't be making love for a while and you get mad at that. What has turned me into this ultimate monster in your eyes all of a sudden?! You actually thought I was cheating on you because I spent long hours at work to make extra money for US. I forget my necklaces and you think it's because I have ulterior motives.

This is not a marriage anymore without trust and you clearly don't seem to have that. So I ask you whole-heartedly: What happens now?!

(Me) I finally snapped because you would just go herping give me no warnings.  Too many factors pointed to having another. I asked and asked and asked for help and you just blew me off. Then my email being ignored sent me over the edge.

(DAVE) I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry. I'm a sorry excuse for a human being who never put forth the effort and made you my slave. I'm done with electronics. When you want to truly talk to me then call me. I will stay gone until you do per your wish. I love you. Goodbye.

(ME) Omg be a baby about it.
I'm not calling you. I can't even write without crying. When I'm calmer I will write out what I want since you can't figured it out completly.

(DAVE) Ronda this is between you and I. Kathy can stay out of it. Stop texting me and emailing me and call me already.

End THIS or end us. I don't know what else to say. You're not even giving me a chance.

(Me) I told you I can't even write without crying so I can't do calling. I cried everywhere today.

(DAVE) So fucking give me a chance and maybe you won't be crying.

(Me)I can't even talk about you to my mom without losing it.
Here entertain yourself

Do you know me? (While I write my terms)

1. My favorite candy bar?
2. My favorite cartoon character?
3. My favorite actor?
4. My favorite actress?
5. My favorite color?
6. My favorite music?
7. My favorite theme park?
8. What year did I graduate?
9.  How old when I lost my virginity?
10. What's my favorite alcoholic drink?
11. Why did I go to jail?
12. What's my favorite drink?
13. What's my favorite snack?
14. Favorite fast food?
15. Where do I like to go out to eat?
16. What am I allergic too?
17.  Favorite constalation?
18. Favorite flower?

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THE TERMS
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Ok here it goes.
(ME) First my mother is the only one who knew about what I did. Thanks to you everyone knows and are now jumping all over me and threatening me. I'm the bad guy for kicking you out. But the way you treat me is why I kicked you out. Apparently your family thinks I'm a doped up psycho and have issues. I know what you talk about with your family now.

Things I want to change.

I want your help. Help with the kid and the house. This does not mean playing on your phone and making him watch. Try doing school. Assisting with dinner. Serving drinks and setting everything up. Putting your dirty laundry in the baskets.

I want one day a month. You can have all the other days. But I want 1 day.

I want to go out to dinner that's not mexican. Every single time it's mexican. Do you even know what my favorite foods are?

I want passion in public. The kind we had before Rilee. The kind that says we're together I own it, it's mine. Though you won't have to work on it often as we hardly go out together anywhere.

I want romance. You might wanna Google it. You have never really done it. Or learn from tv we watch enough of it.

I want you to spend more time with your son and I. Not watching tv or movies. I know you only care about herping, we can do that.  I have come to terms you don't want family outtings anymore. So we'll let this one pass.

I want you tell me the truthe. How does an hour conference call make you gone for 4+ hours? Why are you so secretive on your phone? Why did you really buy that massager?  Why are quickies always no? How come you demanded I do not wake you before 5pm on your days off but if someone wants to go herping your out the door before noon?

I want more than a 2 hour notice that your going out. A day before would be awesome.

I want you to take responsibility for keeping your shit clean. Your room, your truck, your desk at work. I'm ashamed when people see it. I'm ashamed when people see it. Makes me feel like a failure and a pig.

I am fat. I hate that I am fat. I hate letting you see me fully naked because I just hear the voices in your head saying 'yikes maybe I shouldn't have looked. I will never fuck that the same way again.' I gross myself out. You "say" you will love me in my obese shape. I don't love myself.

I want your family to stop degrading me. Do they know how much I do for you? What I sacrifice for you? Do they know I never leave the house? Do they know I am literally your slave?  Obviously not if nana and Kathy both said I was medicinal abuser and not right in the head. I'm lazy because I do not work.

Your all out actions toward my email really just put a screw you stamp on my head. I brought it up and you ignored me. Or that is how it looked to me. I didn't expect all to change over night but I wanted to see a difference every day. Even if it was the same thing every day.

Thanks for the discussion of sex on your blog. I see you left out how quick our quickies are

Your typical fuck you attitude came out in full force, today, with a touch of bi-polar. You would say forgive me, then the next sentence would say you can't afford to live without me. Then another would say please take me back followed by we need to discuss custody. To me I just kept reading I wanna come home fuck you bitch without me you ain't shit. I can be homeless. I just don't want your son to suffer.

You seem to think I am happy you are gone. Well I'm not.  I made your son sleep with me so I could have a resemblance of you in the bed. Hogging and all.  If I was happy  it would be all over Facebook. Instead I tried to hide it. You made it public. Your son thinks you have gone camping. But he suspects something is up because I keep crying after every sound my phone makes.

(DAVE)  I have pictures of you naked while you were obese as you put it. It hasn't disgusted me. I look at pictures and videos of you practically every day. I'm sorry my family is degrading you and no they don't know what you go through w/ me.

I don't know what's gonna happen when I come home, but I know nothing will ever be the same. This has changed our relationship completely. You think for the better, but trust me. That's not the case.

(Me)Maybe you should tell them so they stop thinking im doing this because im a doped up mental case. tell them you were ignoring me and using me.

Then why bother coming home if it is just going to be worse? I told you what i wanted to make it better. And you just said now its going to be worse. How about I just leave? Nana Can Get Her WAY. Its your money that pays for it anyway. I can't afford the house or to care for your child. come and get it at noon I'll be out asap. YOUR SON Is Waiting FOR you.

(DAVE) AND I FUCKING TOLD YOU I WOULD GOD DAMNED FUCKING MAKE IT BETTER AND YOU FUCKING IGNORED ME LIKE YOU ALWAYS FUCKING DO. IF YOU WANT TO FUCKIING LEAVE THEN LEAVE./ I'M FUCKIGN DONE, BUT YOU CAN KEEP THE GOD DAMNED HOUSE UNTIL IT'S GONE. I'M FUCKING DONE. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE FUCKING KILLING MYSELF..... MAYBE THAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER? I FUCKING TOLD IYOU I WOULD MAKE IT BETTER AND THIS IS THE FUCKING GOD DAMNED REPLY YOU GIVE?!

FUCK IT THEN.... LEAVE ME.... FUCKING DIVORCE ME.... I TOLD YOU I RESENT
YOU RIGHT NOW AND I DO.... YOU HAVE ME FUCKING SO PISSED OFFR IT'S NOT
EVNE FUNNY..... WHATEVER YOU WANT.... TELL ME AND i'LL INJECT INSULIN
INTO ME RGHT NW.. FUCKIHNG TELLOL NMEM GOD DAMNNI9T!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU FOR
WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME..... FUCK MY JOB..... I'M GOIGN OUT
DRI9NKIHNG.LW FUC,KIGN IT ASLL!!!!!!!!!!

(Me) Are you kidding me

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I instantly called him and cried for 2 hours
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=============================================================

A lot transpired before this list went down. Family mainly his were not helpful in the decision. 
_______________________________________________________________
I will not give names but here are things my people were saying about my decision to kick him out and after they had read my blogs. 
 
Again sad and pathetic. Now is when his son needs him the most not when he's already self dependent and doesn't give a shit about him because he knows he didn't care about him. Kids are very receptive to that and it's sad. You love your son with everything you have and fought so hard to get him and would do anything for him while your husband is sad, pathetic, selfish and doesn't care about anybody but himself! I swear he needs an ass whooping and i know just the person to give it to him.

I was going to say you can't let 16 years go down the drain, and then I read past blogs of yours.  You really have been crying out for years. He never tried to fix anything after all these blogs? Well obviously not if you kept reposting. You have to at least try and make things better. Write a list of demands and make him obey to them. If he doesn't then you leave this time. Leave him the kid and the house and get out. This kick out better be a slap in the face. 

Instead of putting everything on fb about you being hurt or sad. Try working on your emotions. You love dave as much as he loves you. So try letting him talk and fix things. try setting up marriage counseling  also maybe you should see a therapist regarding your emotions. David loves you and his son more then anything. Dont ruin many years being together because your insecurities. He would never cheat on you one because he has an amazing women and i doubt he has the guts to. He not that type of man. You guys are made for each other. So don't give up try fixing it first.
I told him the same thing.  And he never thought he lose you. you're showing him that you will leave if he dont change. Give him that chance. Try seeing a marriage counselor. you guys need a night out together and find that Spark that made you,guys fall in love. (Here is where I sent my blog)   Oh wow. You said alot in your blog. He told me he tried fixing things but you weren't went her my blog)anting to fix things. Sorry for thinking different. You have tried asking for help in this marriage but you haven't left him. Maybe this will open his eyes. I'm sorry i hope you guys work it out. What really matters is yours and his happiness. Just do what makes you happy. 


So honey you have gone from extreme abuse to someone who isn't doing anything to help you heal. That is still a form of abuse. Have you gone to counseling for any of this? Except you are the one that went thru the abuse. You are the one still going thru the abuse. You are the one still letting him treat you like you are not equal. So no actually you are the one that needs the help

You have to be the one to make that change, yes most partners play a big role in there child's upbringing and it sounds like he has no interest in participating besides financially.

Is this really happening:? Honey I thought you were so happy. Great acting I must say. No body knew any different unless they read the blog. You let on nothing.  BTW you are an epic writer.

If I knew my marriage was about to end and I gave a shit we would've been talking as soon as I read it if not that night! Work or anything else is an excuse for hope. If he hasn't said anything then he won't until he sees it go away and he's off the hook and can go back to the way he was before.

I'm sorry hun. I really thought all these years you were happy. Sad that it wasn't that at all. But ur better off without the abuse.


----------------------------------

This was his people messaging me

 Hey girl, sorry you and Dave are having issues. However, it's nice to know you finally standing up for yourself. You've always given so much of yourself. I feel Dave is very self centered. And that is not fair. But all the years you let it go, he's used to it now. So I'm sure you both have a lot to figure out. If you need to talk, I'm here. Good luck, stay strong, and stand your ground. You guys can make it work!

If yall are needing someone who is neutral hubby and or myself are willing to listen to yall vent and offer advice if you want it. We don't play favorites. We have done that for other couples (dome that are family members) . I am just offering. Dave i have never met you but you are family and we care bout you also. Ronda i have only got to meet you once but the same thing goes. We love yall and are seriously concerned. 

 I don't know what you guys say to each other except whats on FB. But I know both of you have falts. Jt saying that you both have alot of medical issues and then finacial issues the put Mr. R in t he equations. .. that is a very high risk category. .ad your mom does put her 2 cents in as wel as nana and everyone else. Like me even.. but now break it down. You had alot of issues growing up and the disfunction of david. And verbal abuse. But your mom and nana are different generation. And that does get involved with you and David. And rilee. And it is abusive. For. This day and age. You are very intelligent and with all the meds your taking this impairs your thought. I am not looking for excuses but ronda I can tell you from experience it does. And depression plays a big part you can admit it or not but you are depressed and lashing out is easier to do then deal with everything. Now with david he is a diabetic and his days and or years are numbered. . If he lives another ten years you both will be lucky even 5 more. He works all night and doesn't eat rt. The stress finacial ly adds up. I am not taking side I have seen him be abusive with you by the way he talkes to you but he need guidelines and hel how to speak with you and his diabetes does not let him see this. Diabetes plays mind trick also. And with nana raising him thos is all he knows. And it is bad for you and rilee but lashing out will not make it rt. You have to start taking care of you ronda so you can see rilee graduate. I wish I had the answers for you but I am still working on me..(here she thought she was talking to Dave) Ok shes a Bitch. I was trying to talk and she just vot very defense ave and said I was calling her a drugie. She has deep propblems. You guys are in denial especially she is. Not sure wht is going on with her besides sever Depression. And I do mean severe you cant deal with someone like that. All I can say is you both love each other very much and you both have issues. Davod be strong and be the better person for rilee. Don't alllow then to walk on you and show you are a strong man. If you love her work it out without yelling. So much more I could say but I shouldn't be involved. Do not raise you voice or yell at her this is veied as a treat and you could be arrested. Be calm and let her loom foolish.(now back to me) Ronda we all are a Bitch at one time or another. And yes I thought you where on alot of meds with all the things you have wrong. I am saying I have been ther and tried to take my life a few times. I was taking alot of meds at one time and was severely depressed. When I felt lime everything was clasping around me and didn't now how to deal with my kids and my husband. And didn't know with way to turn if all the thing I was feeling where normal I am speaking from my experience. I don't thi k you are a drugie. The is a big difference I am saying there are alot of issues and influence all around you. And I do believe you are hurting really bad inside I I thi k you have been for along time. I fell rilee is a big stress for you and David isn't alway around to help. I don't know how the two of you love each other. And its come down to this . You both are hurting. And have so much stress. And yes I do feel bad for you. And I feel bad for david. I do think you are a good peron and can rise above this.. and yes I did feel like you where a bitch becouse I never said you are a drugie. I was trying to help you see something s. Just as I do with david. . I am not trying to be against you. I want to see you guys stop the hurting each other and would love to see you both talk this out. So neither one of you are this upset. Words hurt. Sometimes more then anything else. And as I said I am still working on myself to not be abusive like my disfunctional family. . I can't change my upbringing but I can work to change me and work on. My faults. . As for nana she means good she is dieing and doesn't want anyone to know her health is failing. And she lashes out because she was raised with a very abusive father physically and mentally. And she uses the wrong words to communicate with. . RONDA I truly want nothing but the best for the 3 of you. You david and rilee. I didn't know you kicked him out till you just said something and yes I do see some of the things you rt. And I don't need to get check out. And the meds don't mean you are a drugie. It does now help with your depression. And don't blame dave for your depression It is relly you he adds to the problem as well as all tbe issues. And there is a difference between street drug attention and what is going on with your situation. If you really feel so much of a need to hate us be prepared.


This here was a screenshot from my husbands phone that he showed me. 

  
It has been awhile since he came home. He puts out the kids table, attempts to do dishes, and very rarely cuddles me. But he has stuck to the not going out on a whim. Though I know one of his friends is pissed off by this. I was expecting so much more from this fight. I am just going to give it more time.  I can't expect it  all to happen over night. I love him unconditionally. I took my requested one day a month and went to the fair as a family. I had a blast. Now to request my one day for November. I wish he would just understand what it is like to never be alone. 
 

He killed our marriage I just buried it.

I think it is over. I have tried effortlessly to get my husband to fix our marriage. I know some of you are thinking well what am I doing to fix the marriage? I have talked to him, I have written blogs about it. Every 3 months I ask for help with the house and the kid. I have asked for 1 day a month where I can have me time. I have not been outright told no but I did just get ignored.

Many people notice and comment to me about how he treats me. They see that I never go out. They see that he leaves me to do everything. They have noticed that he is gone more than home. Many people have told me to leave him. I have just loved him to much to leave him. Until these past 2 months I never thought of it,  he has left me no choice. If he is not willing to work on it I quit. I am tired of talking I want action.

 We have been married for 16 years. Since 2005 I have asked for help with the house and 2009 with the kid. Yes I know that he works but it does not mean he can't contribute to the house. I worked up until 2 1/2 years ago and I still did everything. It is like I am living in the 50's where the man worked and the woman did everything else. Well the times have changed and I am finished being a slave.

Because my husband can not get his face out of electronics I decided to email him what has been bothering me. My efforts for vocal discussion always turned into a lot of screaming and walking out by him. I sent it to him on Saturday September 27th at 4am. He had just got home from a night of herping. On Sunday night I was putting his phone on the charger and decided to see if he read the email. He had, or at least he had opened it. I decided to send the email again that night. As a reminder. I have proceeded to mark the mail as new everyday, as he keeps marking them as read. Other than cuddling me on Saturday while I was cooking picking up the kids table on Tuesday, and having the kid watch him play on his phone while I cooked, he has made no other efforts towards the email. Here is the letter.

==================================

I really hope you are not reading this while I am awake. I just can not sit there and talk to you about what is wrong with me lately. You have the tendency to turn it all around. You start throwing temper tantrums. You do the blame game. You storm off. So I have decided to write it out.

Since your face is 24/7 inside some electronic device anymore maybe you will comprehend what I am saying better than me speaking it. I have tried numerous times to talk to you. EVERY single time you either fall asleep and the next day the conversation never happened. Or you start screaming at me and storm off, the next day the conversation never happened. Well this conversation, at least the first part is our normal every 3 months argument. The sections after are well you will see.

You might want to go have a  cigarette before you start reading and bring a backup. Do not throw your phone and DO NOT come after me. I have been blogging again for the past month or so. http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_archive.html I would advise that you start back from the beginning of my very first blog and go forward. You might catch a theme. But first read this letter.I am sad every night. I cry every night and these are just some of the reasons. http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/broken.html

Problem 1:
FUCKING HELP ME SOME TIME. http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/08/am-i-done.html

You say that you pick up shit? What are you picking up a piece of kitty litter off the floor a grain of sugar from the stove? Before I go to bed I make sure there is no debree on the floor. I put away all the clothes that are strewn around the living room. The wet towel from the bathroom. The ripped up cardboard. All of the boys toys. I have even cleaned our room and our sons room. So what are you getting done? You do not do the dishes ( I know because I purposely leave dishes to see if you would do them). You do not do the laundry, vacuuming, dusting or even sweep the floor. Normally you do not do the trash unless its your day off and even then you get a bit punchy that you need to collect it. I usually end up doing it for you. You won't even clean up your own room. I always get pissed off and do it myself. Hell you can't even keep your work desk clean or your truck. I have noticed you pick up the poop once maybe twice a month. Or that is the yard guys doing it? You could help me stir dinner, serve dinner, make the drinks, put the dirty dishes in the sink, wash your own coffee cup, clean your son and his table, give your son a bath, how about put your socks and towels in the laundry basket? All I ask for is help. But instead you are on the phone. You wake up get on it before you are even out of bed. Go outside to smoke be on the phone. Come in sit on the couch on your phone until you are served your dinner. Even then you are still checking on your phone. After you eat if we are not in a show you get on your phone while I am cleaning up. You get on the phone while I pee. After dinner smoke you are on your phone. Then you are almost late for work because you are on your phone. While you are face glued to the screen I am dealing with the house, the kid, the dog, and you. So that is point 1 the reason I am upset. Every time I have asked for help you have just yell " I do but of course your right I donot do anything". Why don't you just tell me what you are doing? But no you prefer to yell and storm off.

Problem 2:

TRAPPED http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/freedom.html

I have the kid 24/7. I can not go anywhere without having the kid with me. I can not go anywhere ever. I hate him at the doctorsbecause it is impossible to talk to the doctor because he is blah blah the whole time. That is when he is not getting into something. My friends do not invite me over or out to do stuff anymore, I always say no because I have Rilee. I am completely rejected by everyone for doing anything because of how out of control he is. You are no help in this area. You remember my little argument about when you asked why I quit Facebook? I told you because the world revolves around you. It does. I never get to go
out ever. YOU DO. You go out herping every weekend or every day. We are no longer allowed on these trips because of how your son behaves. When herping season is over you go out fishing. Do we go no. You say it is because you don't want him to fall in the water. I am the one who watches him the whole time for both events. Not you. I don't really get to enjoy myself either because I am dealing with him the whole time. You are either on your phone or talking to the other people you have invited. Yay now I get ignored and I can't enjoy myself. Same goes for events we are invited to. I am chasing our son, feeding our son, and scolding our son, while you hang out and chit chatting. I ask you to watch him for 5 min so I can have a smoke and you don't. I always end up coming back in to deal with him, or yelling at him to get out of something. If I do get invited to something I would love to attend I have to notify you a month in advance, then remind you every week. You notify me a few hours before you are to leave. You can't even give me the courtesy of a heads up like might be going out with someone this Friday.  I am not going to tell you no because you get pissy and take it out on me until you get to go. You refuse to be alone with him. Its such a major burden for you to take care of your son. When I am not feeling well or in pain I am still having to take care of the two of you. I get up cook your dinner and serve it. Then go to my room and return when you are finished to clean it up. You want to go somewhere and I say take your son I want to just relax and recuperate. You always make me come anyways. It makes me feel like you do not care. You get invited to dinner and movies and concerts. And you get to go. I do not tell you no because I do not want you trapped like I am. You are quite unpleasant when you don't get to do what you want to do. So you go and I do the same damn thing that I do every day. I sit and watch tv and play with your son. Oh and I do housework. Every night except for Wednesdays I am doing housework. I do all of it with only the help of your son, who does 10 times more work than you ever have. That's really pathetic.
http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-calendar.html


Problem 3:

MILD QUICK BITCHES

You jumped all over me because I thought the dinner at Arribas, the Sunday prior to my birthday, was my birthday dinner. So I tagged the place as my birthday dinner. You said it made you look like a bad guy. Well guess what I was NEVER taken to my birthday dinner. I took myself to a birthday breakfast and I invited you. I bought myself pizza for my birthday, put a candle on it and had Rilee sing me happy birthday. But was I ever taken out to dinner. NOPE. You got to go out on yours though. To a place you like with the food you like. I served you dinner in bed. I was going to do breakfast in bed but you decided you were going out herping on your birthday. Which forced me to serve your special breakfast and your special dinner on another day. Even though it was a rice crispy treat I still put a candle in it and sang you happy birthday.

Do you know I think of things to get you everywhere I go. I'm always looking for stuff that you would enjoy. You never do that for me. If you did I would get more surprises on random days of the week. I have a gift list for you for holidays but I have a he likes that list programmed in my head.

You are incapable of being on time for anything. You will not get up early unless it benefits you. You make me stay up till the crack of dawn because of your sleeping schedule. You do not have to get up at 8am.

Do you realise that you only spend 3 hours a day with your family?

Please stop blaming me when YOU don't want to do something. That is bullshit that you use me as a scape goat. No wonder your friends dislike me. For example. Devons birthday. You were running around all day doing stuff. You did not tell me that she was having a party. I would have loved to have gone.

If you are not in the mood on your days off or if you just want a quicky let me know WAY in advance. I really want my medication and I purposely don't take it so that our sexual experience is way better. If you are fed up trying to get me off just stop. When you keep trying you get tired, I can tell. Maybe if you listened to vocal commands it would go faster.

Problem 4:

DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
 http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/is-there-romance-after-marriage.html

You asked me that tonight. I would think it is something on your mind. I have considered it. I will be honest because I am sick and tired of being a slave and a prisoner. I hate that everything revolves around you and the rest of the world can fuck off. I feel that you no longer love me. You know how I have been joking about you having a mistress? That is because I really think you have one. I am just waiting for you to slip up. It is the only explanation for everything that I have been noticing lately. The biggest one being when we are making love. At least that is what I still call it. You have been like you just want it over with quickly. No passion at all. I'm all over you, kissing everywhere, touching everything, getting heated up wanting passion. You are like here let me use the vibrator, ok now let me put it in, and were done, goodnight. I have noticed it a lot. I got you off 5 times on the weekend of your birthday. You got me off 0 times. I even asked you to use the massager and you told me no. If you get off then it is all over. You won't even try to finish me off. Once you are done YOU ARE DONE. I have been so tempted to just go into the living room and use the massager just so the blueclit will go away. Instead I torment myself and pray you will get me off some time. Sex on other nights have felt like wham bam eh oh well I got off screw her. Kisses have been pecks. You have not romantically touched me in a long time. When we are out in public there is an invisible line that you seem to use to avoid touching me. Especially in front of your friends. You walk away and don't return until YOU need something. You do not hold me anymore in any way. You think I don't sit with you on the couch because I don't care for you that much. The truth is and I have told you numerous times it is because I feel like screwing your brains out every time. I am forever grabbing your ass. I am forever trying to get you to sneak off for quickies. BTW I get told no more than I get told yes. You come home late from work and though you have no traffic at 8pm you still try to get out of here by 7:30 or 7:45. You are constantly on your phone. I ask what are you doing and you get all shifty and mumble. You go into work for conference calls and are gone for hours. I always secretly hope that you are bringing home a surprise, but no you just walk in and prepare to leave for a herping trip or you ask when food will be ready. So yeah I think you do have a someone else. If you do please stop using me and just leave me. I already hate myself and I hate how you use me already. 


Ah hell you are home. I am just going to email this and hope you don't notice it while I am still awake. I really don't feel like fighting I have an incredible headache.

======================================================

Here is more I thought of after I had sent the email.

Why can't I have a job Fri and Saturday

I have been asking since April to get me books and last month for music and you never do. But you go in daily and get movies and music for you.

Still waiting for that time movie

Unless you want it I can't have it. You buy gifts that benefit you.

I don't get to go to bed til you do. Your not the one that has to get up with the kid. You do not do that, even when you work the day shift.
Your diabetes is being used a crutch way to often.

Your promises are shit.

=============================================================
As of October 3rd, 2014 I have evicted my husband from the house. I had originally planned to kick him out Thursday morning but I care to much to affect his job. So I held it out one more day. I left him a letter in text message, email and on facebook messenger at 5:25 a.m. I also left a message on his steering wheel of the truck that says maybe you should read your messages before you leave. Here is the message I sent him.
===========================================================

DO NOT COME HOME! Do not contact me for a day or so. When you want and I mean seriously want, to fix this marriage, give me a call. By your actions I am guessing not. I have been stressing about this all week. Migraines all day, to upset to eat.  I have backed out numerous times. But the more you ignored me the more pissed off I got. Now it is your turn. I have removed your house keys and garage door opener. Go to Nanas.

It is perfectly clear how you feel about this marriage. You obviously don't give a shit anymore. I know you have read my emails or at least opened them.  I even went in and marked those emails important and unread daily, to remind you of them. You kept marking them as read. Saturday I thought, woo hoo, he understands, because you were loving on me. But then Sunday and on, rolled around and it was back to normal. Now Sunday I can understand you were working. But Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday? You have said nothing about it. You have not replied to it. You have not made any action towards correcting the situation. DO NOT tell me you have not had time. You could have done something about it Monday morning, or Monday night.  Tuesday morning you were on irc and only concerned with your game and shows. Tuesday night you brought out his table, and tried to relieve the headache (I did not want you touching me you cheater you are the reason for it), but still no reference with the email. I have been making the emails new every day in hopes that you do something about it.  Oh and thanks for locking me out of your computer.  Wednesday morning you made a 5 hour time laps video. Wednesday night you made it known to me that you were keeping our son occupied. Yes I see that, and thank you, but you were just playing on your phone and making him watch. You could have been in the kitchen asking how you can help. You could have been setting up his stuff. You could have made drinks. You could have done the dishes or taken out the trash. Thursday you just went to bed and said nothing to me. Not even your typical text instead of talking to me that you have been doing this week. Dave I tried to work it out with you. I finally lost the battle. Begging can only get me so far. I have begged for years. You have more than enough time to write me back or do something for me to show you understand. I left dishes in the sink every day and you did not do them. This morning there were only 3. Put away your dirty clothes? Clean up the poop? Take out the trash? Wash your coffee cup? Something. But no it did not benefit you so your not going to do it. Your grandmother calls me selfish? Maybe she should talk to your friends, my friends, your co-workers.

Instead your on facebook, on your computer, or playing games, and making plans with people. Not replying to the email I have sent you. You just ignored it like do all of our conversations. NOTHING has changed. I guess you really don't think of me when your out, like I do of you. I guess you really do have a mistress. I was hoping I was joking about her, but I guess I was right. So for the sake of our son and my sanity do not bother coming home. You can go back to living with your grandmother, or with your lover. They can wait on you hand and foot. I have brought you your camera, medicine, and work clothes while you were working, to Nanas. Who was nice enough to tell me I am a moron and being selfish. She also told me to leave you and Rilee. IF that is what you want fine. Just give me time to find a place to live. Stay away from me for awhile. If you want to see your son I will drop him off and pick him up. (But most likely you will never call on him as you hate being alone with him)  I can't believe I thought you would change. You don't want to save this marriage that has become very obvious. 16 years down the drain. I'm so stupid. I tried to work it out. I figured talking never got me anywhere so I wrote you the letter in hopes you would strive to make our marriage work. Guess it is to much work for you.  I still love you, but I can't handle it anymore. Enjoy your mistress, enjoy YOUR freedom, enjoy your life. Nana is awaiting your arrival. I'm sorry I ruined your life. I'm sorry I got fat. I'm sorry for giving you a child you don't want. Continue your life as it was. Not like anything has changed for you except where your head rests. You will still have someone (mistress and nana) taking care of you, cooking for you, and making sure you are happy. Now you don't have to see those you care nothing about. I hate you right now. Good-bye.

  Here is my email once again so you have a clue as to why I am so mad at you.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I really hope you are not reading this while I am awake. I just can not sit there and talk to you about what is wrong with me lately. You have the tendency to turn it all around. You start throwing temper tantrums. You do the blame game. You storm off. So I have decided to write it out.

Since your face is 24/7 inside some electronic device anymore maybe you will comprehend what I am saying better than me speaking it. I have tried numerous times to talk to you. EVERY single time you either fall asleep and the next day the conversation never happened. Or you start screaming at me and storm off, the next day the conversation never happened. Well this conversation, at least the first part is our normal every 3 months argument. The sections after are well you will see.

You might want to go have a  cigarette before you start reading and bring a backup. Do not throw your phone and DO NOT come after me. I have been blogging again for the past month or so. http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_archive.html I would advise that you start back from the beginning of my very first blog and go forward. You might catch a theme. But first read this letter.I am sad every night. I cry every night and these are just some of the reasons. http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/broken.html

Problem 1:
FUCKING HELP ME SOME TIME. http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/08/am-i-done.html

You say that you pick up shit? What are you picking up a piece of kitty litter off the floor a grain of sugar from the stove? Before I go to bed I make sure there is no debree on the floor. I put away all the clothes that are strewn around the living room. The wet towel from the bathroom. The ripped up cardboard. All of the boys toys. I have even cleaned our room and our sons room. So what are you getting done? You do not do the dishes ( I know because I purposely leave dishes to see if you would do them). You do not do the laundry, vacuuming, dusting or even sweep the floor. Normally you do not do the trash unless its your day off and even then you get a bit punchy that you need to collect it. I usually end up doing it for you. You won't even clean up your own room. I always get pissed off and do it myself. Hell you can't even keep your work desk clean or your truck. I have noticed you pick up the poop once maybe twice a month. Or that is the yard guys doing it? You could help me stir dinner, serve dinner, make the drinks, put the dirty dishes in the sink, wash your own coffee cup, clean your son and his table, give your son a bath, how about put your socks and towels in the laundry basket? All I ask for is help. But instead you are on the phone. You wake up get on it before you are even out of bed. Go outside to smoke be on the phone. Come in sit on the couch on your phone until you are served your dinner. Even then you are still checking on your phone. After you eat if we are not in a show you get on your phone while I am cleaning up. You get on the phone while I pee. After dinner smoke you are on your phone. Then you are almost late for work because you are on your phone. While you are face glued to the screen I am dealing with the house, the kid, the dog, and you. So that is point 1 the reason I am upset. Every time I have asked for help you have just yell " I do but of course your right I donot do anything". Why don't you just tell me what you are doing? But no you prefer to yell and storm off.

Problem 2:

TRAPPED http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/freedom.html

I have the kid 24/7. I can not go anywhere without having the kid with me. I can not go anywhere ever. I hate him at the doctorsbecause it is impossible to talk to the doctor because he is blah blah the whole time. That is when he is not getting into something. My friends do not invite me over or out to do stuff anymore, I always say no because I have Rilee. I am completely rejected by everyone for doing anything because of how out of control he is. You are no help in this area. You remember my little argument about when you asked why I quit Facebook? I told you because the world revolves around you. It does. I never get to go
out ever. YOU DO. You go out herping every weekend or every day. We are no longer allowed on these trips because of how your son behaves. When herping season is over you go out fishing. Do we go no. You say it is because you don't want him to fall in the water. I am the one who watches him the whole time for both events. Not you. I don't really get to enjoy myself either because I am dealing with him the whole time. You are either on your phone or talking to the other people you have invited. Yay now I get ignored and I can't enjoy myself. Same goes for events we are invited to. I am chasing our son, feeding our son, and scolding our son, while you hang out and chit chatting. I ask you to watch him for 5 min so I can have a smoke and you don't. I always end up coming back in to deal with him, or yelling at him to get out of something. If I do get invited to something I would love to attend I have to notify you a month in advance, then remind you every week. You notify me a few hours before you are to leave. You can't even give me the courtesy of a heads up like might be going out with someone this Friday.  I am not going to tell you no because you get pissy and take it out on me until you get to go. You refuse to be alone with him. Its such a major burden for you to take care of your son. When I am not feeling well or in pain I am still having to take care of the two of you. I get up cook your dinner and serve it. Then go to my room and return when you are finished to clean it up. You want to go somewhere and I say take your son I want to just relax and recuperate. You always make me come anyways. It makes me feel like you do not care. You get invited to dinner and movies and concerts. And you get to go. I do not tell you no because I do not want you trapped like I am. You are quite unpleasant when you don't get to do what you want to do. So you go and I do the same damn thing that I do every day. I sit and watch tv and play with your son. Oh and I do housework. Every night except for Wednesdays I am doing housework. I do all of it with only the help of your son, who does 10 times more work than you ever have. That's really pathetic.
http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-calendar.html


Problem 3:

MILD QUICK BITCHES

You jumped all over me because I thought the dinner at Arribas, the Sunday prior to my birthday, was my birthday dinner. So I tagged the place as my birthday dinner. You said it made you look like a bad guy. Well guess what I was NEVER taken to my birthday dinner. I took myself to a birthday breakfast and I invited you. I bought myself pizza for my birthday, put a candle on it and had Rilee sing me happy birthday. But was I ever taken out to dinner. NOPE. You got to go out on yours though. To a place you like with the food you like. I served you dinner in bed. I was going to do breakfast in bed but you decided you were going out herping on your birthday. Which forced me to serve your special breakfast and your special dinner on another day. Even though it was a rice crispy treat I still put a candle in it and sang you happy birthday.

Do you know I think of things to get you everywhere I go. I'm always looking for stuff that you would enjoy. You never do that for me. If you did I would get more surprises on random days of the week. I have a gift list for you for holidays but I have a he likes that list programmed in my head.

You are incapable of being on time for anything. You will not get up early unless it benefits you. You make me stay up till the crack of dawn because of your sleeping schedule. You do not have to get up at 8am.

Do you realise that you only spend 3 hours a day with your family?

Please stop blaming me when YOU don't want to do something. That is bullshit that you use me as a scape goat. No wonder your friends dislike me. For example. Devons birthday. You were running around all day doing stuff. You did not tell me that she was having a party. I would have loved to have gone.

If you are not in the mood on your days off or if you just want a quicky let me know WAY in advance. I really want my medication and I purposely don't take it so that our sexual experience is way better. If you are fed up trying to get me off just stop. When you keep trying you get tired, I can tell. Maybe if you listened to vocal commands it would go faster.

Problem 4:

DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
 http://psykocat.blogspot.com/2014/09/is-there-romance-after-marriage.html

You asked me that tonight. I would think it is something on your mind. I have considered it. I will be honest because I am sick and tired of being a slave and a prisoner. I hate that everything revolves around you and the rest of the world can fuck off. I feel that you no longer love me. You know how I have been joking about you having a mistress? That is because I really think you have one. I am just waiting for you to slip up. It is the only explanation for everything that I have been noticing lately. The biggest one being when we are making love. At least that is what I still call it. You have been like you just want it over with quickly. No passion at all. I'm all over you, kissing everywhere, touching everything, getting heated up wanting passion. You are like here let me use the vibrator, ok now let me put it in, and were done, goodnight. I have noticed it a lot. I got you off 5 times on the weekend of your birthday. You got me off 0 times. I even asked you to use the massager and you told me no. If you get off then it is all over. You won't even try to finish me off. Once you are done YOU ARE DONE. I have been so tempted to just go into the living room and use the massager just so the blueclit will go away. Instead I torment myself and pray you will get me off some time. Sex on other nights have felt like wham bam eh oh well I got off screw her. Kisses have been pecks. You have not romantically touched me in a long time. When we are out in public there is an invisible line that you seem to use to avoid touching me. Especially in front of your friends. You walk away and don't return until YOU need something. You do not hold me anymore in any way. You think I don't sit with you on the couch because I don't care for you that much. The truth is and I have told you numerous times it is because I feel like screwing your brains out every time. I am forever grabbing your ass. I am forever trying to get you to sneak off for quickies. BTW I get told no more than I get told yes. You come home late from work and though you have no traffic at 8pm you still try to get out of here by 7:30 or 7:45. You are constantly on your phone. I ask what are you doing and you get all shifty and mumble. You go into work for conference calls and are gone for hours. I always secretly hope that you are bringing home a surprise, but no you just walk in and prepare to leave for a herping trip or you ask when food will be ready. So yeah I think you do have a someone else. If you do please stop using me and just leave me. I already hate myself and I hate how you use me already.


Here is more I thought of after I had sent the email.

Why can't I have a job Fri and Saturday

I have been asking since April to get me books and last month for music and you never do. But you go in daily and get movies and music for you.

Still waiting for that time movie

Unless you want it I can't have it. You buy gifts that benefit you.

I don't get to go to bed til you do. Your not the one that has to get up with the kid. You do not do that, even when you work the day shift.
Your diabetes is being used a crutch way to often.
Why do you always shave and shower when you are going out with friends. Or you shave on the last day of work? You work graveyard who notices? (mistress)

Your promises are shit.

=========================================================

I dropped his stuff off at this grandmothers and she proceeded to tell me that  I was stupid and selfish. She said he was not cheating on me. She also called me a  liar about having to request a day off a month in advance. She made it clear that I was completely wrong and that this was a stupid idea. She also told me to leave my husband and child and the house. If that is what he wants I will. Well ya know talking gets me nowhere and he ignored my email. Maybe kicking him out will make him think oh shit shes serious.

All it is is sex

SALT 'N' PEPA
"Let's Talk About Sex"

Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex

I swear this is the only song that goes through every guys head when they talk to a sexual interest. In my opinion I am sick of it.

I have a place I visit. I call it anonymous. People write all kinds of stuff. I like to look for cries for help. But I also love posting. My posts are always bitching. In anonymous I can say whatever I want and nobody knows who I am or how to find me. I can be racists, perverted, invest in male bashing, or  my personal favorite send scary ass photos to people. I'm free. Anybody can comment on anything posted. Say whatever they want. Nobody can report you and nobody can follow you.

Apparently every guy on anonymous thinks it's a sex site. I will write 'I cry in pain from my leg pain'. I will get replies like 'I'll make you cry from pleasure' and 'you can wrap your legs around me and I'll make you forget the pain'. I mean come on. Guys post show me your boobs or any lonely women want to chat. Girls post 'check out my new dress' or 'should I get a tongue ring'.

Every conversation begins with a chat from a post followed by age, sex, location.  Then a sex question is not to far behind. When I say I'm a 37 year old fat married mother with grey hairs, stretch marks, and blubber. They still ask for a picture. I tell them no. They think sending me a picture of themselves will convince me. I still say no, so they send a picture of their penis. Oh ew gross. Does doing that actually work to get someone to send you a picture? I never indulge in those conversations. In fact I block all sexual all of them. Sometimes I will purposely post something sexual just to weed out the pervs. Block block block buh bye block.

Is sex all guys want anymore? To me it feels like it. Its like screw me or SCREW you. What happened to getting to know a person? Though I have gained an excessive amount of weight I still catch guys looking at my breasts more than looking at my face. I'm glad I'm no longer on the market.  I would never survive the sex first part. I'm about getting to know someone. Even my husband today told me to show more breast so we could get more money back. Lets just say I was not wearing a flattering shirt and I had no makeup on. 

I guess I just don't understand. I'm a highly sexual person. Have been since before I lost virginity. Was a damn good tease but would never please. But I never have and never will flash my tit or rub my clit just to get a date.  

Freedom

Where does it say thou shalt never leave the house after childbirth?

I know when you become a parent the life of free roaming becomes few and far between. But nobody said it was going to be completely obsolete.  I never really was a party girl. Well after 21 I wasn't. So I don't miss it. What I miss is the wanna hang calls and saying yes. On a whim calls for help and me rushing to their side. The calls to come over for dinner or to see a movie.

I swore I would never trap my husband in the house. Previous posts prove that.  But I did not realize that it meant I would never get to leave. For 1 day, once a year, I get to go out. Only did it twice, but it was the best nights ever. I stayed in a motel, got wasted, ate junk food, went swimming, and just talked. Did not happen this year as the husband got mad about my previous years outing. I'm a literal hermit. I only leave the house for doctors and going to the store.  I had requested to be let out once a month, with no hubby or kid, for a few hours, and was rejected quickly. I asked this last year, then 6 months later. I just want to go sit at Dennys and write. I have to notify a month in advance if I need him to watch our son. He gives me no notification. He just waits until a few hours before he leaves to notify me.  I'm lucky to even go to get groceries alone.

Now my husband. He has unlimited freedom. He has friends that invite him places. During the warm season he goes herping every weekend or every day depending on the work shift.. In the cooler times he goes fishing or bopping. He has gone to dinner with coworkers, concerts with friends, gaming parties, horror fests, film festivals, over to friends houses, baseball/basketball/football games, house parties and arcade/bowling (though that one was a work function). Me, wherever I go my son, or husband and son, come too. I don't get to go places alone. Everyday it gets harder to go out as my son gets more unmanageable. People have stopped inviting me because they know I need to take my son. Nobody can watch him as nobody can handle him. The daddy is too busy to be able to watch him. He has his own life, as mentioned above.

What did I do to deserve this? Did I sign a contract that says you are the mother. Your job is to take care of your husband, your child and your house. Do not ever leave the house, say goodbye to your friends. Live through your childless friends, or friends who have a lot of sitters. Your only responsibility is in the house, stay there. Its killing me. I want to work just so I can get out of the house and interact with others while not having to keeping my child restrained, quiet, or calm. Screw having a life outside of the house.

The last time my husband was stuck with the kid alone was only  for a few hours when I took an emergency trip to Kansas for a week. He had to hand our son over to my best friend, that night I left, while I was away. He was working the night shift and nobody could capably watch him but her. Though she had complications with him also. The time before that he had him for 26 hours. It was my one time a year away from it all. He got mad I came back a few hours late because I needed to eat before I came home. Any other time he has watched our son it was either because I needed to go to store, (he was only with him for maybe 2 hours), or because I was sick. Even when I was sick I still found myself feeding them and scolding my son. Like I have said in my blogs. I am with our son 24/7, me only me. Hubby is in the same room with him maybe 3 hours every day. Even then his face is buried in his phone, were eating, or  watching tv.

Yes I am a mother. Yes I wanted him. Yes I knew my social life would be diminished. What I did not know is that I would never be permitted a life outside of the house. That I was only here to take care of everything but myself.