Am I done?

This blog may step on toes but I have to vent.

As of April 22, 2014 we have been married for 16 years.

If you have read my past blogs you know how we met. If you haven't maybe you should before you continue reading this. We have gotten into many fights. I posted some of them. But this post will basically just go off on my feelings and frustrations with my husband.


I am done and fed up. It is me 24/7 dealing with house and our child. He does nothing. Oh wait he goes to work. I understand. I no longer work. His decision. (nobody wants to watch the kid)  But it does not mean that everything else is my problem. I am the sole care taker for our child and the house. As he is working the night shift his life is get up, smoke, play on phone, get told to set up the kids table, get served dinner, watch tv, smoke, play on phone, take a shower, play one phone, get  dressed, grab coffee, go to work, come home play on phone or computer and go to bed. That is it and he is in charge of paying the bills once every 2 weeks. Used to also be my job until the kid got unruly about me being on the computer. On the day shift . He gets up starts his coffee, takes a shower, gets dressed, grabs coffee, goes to work, come home, smoke, play on phone, set up kids table, get served dinner, eat dinner, watch tv, smoke, play on phone, watch tv, get pleasured go to bed. My life is kid, hubby, house, kid, hubby, house. Then throw the store and doctors in.

Once a year near my birthday I go away for 24 hours. Except I didn't get to this year. I stay in a hotel and get wasted. Hubby gets mad when I do this because I do not call while I am away and I come home a little late. He always works the night shift during my birthday so he cant sleep 12 hours because he has to watch the kid. He never takes the kid out to do something fun. He does take him out to eat because he cant make food. I always expect to find the house cleaned up. I end up finding it trashed. I went away for a week to Kansas for a funeral and came home to laundry dishes and stuff torn up by the dog. He did not even have the kid during this time. My girlfriend took him because hubby was working the graveyard shift.

Through the whole marriage, and prior, I have been the sole caretaker of the house. Now I can understand this if I had been only at home, but I worked too. I would walk to work, walk all day at work, then walk home. Once I got home I would relax from walking in the Arizona summer heat for an hour. Then I would get up and begin preparing dinner and spot cleaning the house. When my boyfriend at the time, would walk in, I would serve him his dinner and his drink. Sixteen years later I still do this. Even when we lived with his grandmother for 2 years.

Up until 2 years ago I have always worked a full time job and done all of the housework. After work I always cooked the dinner, served the dinner, and cleaned up after dinner. On my day off I would bust ass on the house and take care of needs like groceries and bills. On his days off he would just sit around the house, hang with friends, play games, or go to his grandmothers. I did not have a car for the longest point of our relationship. Always had to ask for the vehicle the day before. I never got it on the days I had to work. My days off I would drop him off at work then go pay bills or take care of other needs. I was always on time to get him. He was never on time to get me. He is never on time for anything.

Ok I wandered a bit lets get back on track. Since before we met I have always worked. Paid or volunteer I still worked. I have been working since I was 8. My jobs have always been in the presence of people and on my feet. Only two jobs I did do was phone work. Even with my previous boyfriend I worked came home and did housework. But that was not of my own free will. He would beat me if I didn't have things to his standards. Probably the reason I do it with my husband. I know he wont hit me but the fear is still there.

Now that we have a child it is exhausting. I am so burned out at the end of the day that I am just too tired to be passionate. Before I was laid off it was baby, work, baby, (if I was late he would not go get the baby, he would just go home) dinner, daddy, baby, clean up, daddy, baby, snack, daddy, baby, prepare for bed, bath, please daddy, sleep and repeat. My days, even now I have no relaxation. Though I am not working it is now all baby, daddy and housework. Thankfully I have my own car. Though I am not allowed to go anywhere because gas is so expensive.

My husband is currently working the night shift. It is hard to keep everyone and everything quiet. My days now it is feed the kid and self. Do quiet housework. Usually dishes. The baby and I play for an hour then do school for an hour. We eat lunch. I get in 1 hour to watch my show, stop constantly to deal with the kid. I cook dinner, wake up daddy, serve dinner, eat dinner, clean up dinner, make coffee for daddy, then make sure he leaves for work. After he leaves then I proceed to do housework. I used to do it all in one day. Now I separate it throughout the week. During the day I am also going to the store and doctors for the baby and I. We also do school and play for an hour at night.

My husband does housework too. AHAHAHAHHAHA NOT. I have to ask him to do something and I always get a sigh, rolling eyes, him telling me in a minute or a grumble. I usually have to wait quite awhile before he does it, or I get pissed and do it myself. He does not do things of his own free will. He says he does housework without asking but I have yet to see it. I don't know why he can't see the trash can is full and to take it out. Know dinner is almost ready and set up the kids table. Help me stir dinner, serve dinner. When we are done eating pick up the dishes and put them in the sink. Do the dishes (though he is in excruciating pain when he does) Clean up his kid after eating. Pick his clothes up out of the living room and taking them to the correct laundry basket. Put his wet towel in the laundry basket. Clean the dog poop out of the back yard. Get up with the kid on his days off, and keep him quiet. (I know he cant during the night shift). But he does none of this. I have to ask and even that is a challenge.

We are constantly repeating the argument of help me. He gets highly offended if I make any comment in reference to his laziness. I have asked for help and gotten attitude. Its like talking to a teenager. I can see why he does not know how to do anything. His 4 year old son knows how to do it all. Though he needs assistance, he can do dishes, vaccum,  sweep, dust, take out trash, and pick up after himself. Hubby has been with this grandmother for the largest percentage of his life. She did everything for him. She still does. Every time he says I want, she gets it for him. I say I want I just add it to my wish list on my phone.

Now that I am done with the help me gripe I will go into the its all about him gripe. When we go out to eat it is almost always Mexican. That is his favorite food. If we are going out reptile hunting and have time for a restaurant before it is is Mexican. When he does ask me what I want for dinner I get a huge range of excuses to why we can't go.  Reasons like it's too far, it's too expensive, or my favorite they close to early. Leaving us to go to Mexican.

Then there is gifts. He gives me stuff that he wants. Like gift cards or movies. The latest gift the movie, was at least a movie I like. A massager cause of my constant pain. He also got me a Weird Al book that I have been avidly reading. Absolutely love it. But I also cant help to think he got it for himself too. He has done that in the past with cds. Is it so hard to acknowledge things I like and  get them for me. I know I sound conceded, but I give him everything that he would want. I save months in advance. When he was into pool I bought him a pool stick. When he got into this herping thing I bought him hooks, a GPS, and temp guns. When he got into photography I bought him a tripod and new camera bag. He has never got me horseback riding for my birthday (though now I'd be terrified to get on a horse since it has been so long). Or take me to an amusement park. The treadmill. How about a tank top with the favorite cartoon character on it. Shit even a glass figurine of a dragon. How about that tattoo I'm always talking about.  I thought the Sunday before my birthday, we went to Mexican food, was my birthday dinner. But after 2 people made a comment on why not somewhere that I liked, he yelled at me for it. How was I supposed to know. BTW never did get that birthday dinner.

He has no idea how trapped I am. I asked for 1 day a month so that I can sit down and write my brother. Outside of the house, without him, without the kid. I told him I would be going to Dennys just 3 miles from here. That was a huge no. He gets to go out all the time. One he gets to go to work. Two on the weekends he has friends asking him to concerts, herping, or to come to their place. I let him go without a complaint because I do not want him trapped in this house with me and his son. Though I do secretly want to trade a week with him. Make him have my life, and though I do not work, I will just go away for the same hours he is, come home and do what he does. Maybe then he will get a perspective of my life.

Long before we had our son, I thought he only wanted kids as a slave. He would boss his siblings around all day. Now that we have one I'm thinking he still wants a slave. But also think he don't want to do a single thing with him until he can eat, potty, get dressed, get out of his chair and car plus make decisions on his own. Its frustrating. He never plays blocks or cars or school with him. He don't bathe him or feed him. He only let's him sit next to him while he plays on his phone. Occasionally let's him click something. Even on outings I'm the one who watches him. I'm the one who deals with his needs. Like when we went to the fair. I pushed him around, I fed him, bought him stuff. At the truck I unloaded his stroller and loaded him and it into the truck. He sat on the curb and had a smoke. His Aunt saw the whole thing and confronted him. His excuse was that I knew how to do it. Yes I do but at least help. When were herping I'm providing, watching, and talking to our son. Its almost like the kid is not there until it's self reliant.

In the past (like 2 years into our marriage) he said if I ever looked like my mom he would leave me. Well I'm definitely heavy like her. But she is short so I got that going for me. But my weight has gone to hell. Before it was because we were living in his grandmothers house and I was not allowed to go beyond the house. I'm a  walker. I used to walk all over our apartment complex and to my friends houses. Then we moved into our second apartment. I swam at the pool and worked out in the gym we had. But I stopped going to the pool cause our roommate had a seizure in the pool and it scared me pretty bad. Then we got our house. I honestly have no excuse other than I worked all the time. When I was pregnant I went in weighing 215, came out weighing 185. I went on walks with my girlfriend during the pregnancy.  After I could walk again and had returned to work she and I continued the walks. We also started the gym. I would get out of work and go walk a few miles. Then on the weekends or my days off we would meet up at the gym. I would put the kid in the daycare and go work out. Then we would go for a walk after. I was losing mad weight and loving it. Well the daycare could not handle the kid so I eventually had to stop going. Also because I had gotten fired and could not afford it anymore. Oh and because hubby said I needed to. So we continued the walking.  Some days I would take the kid to the park then meet up with my friend for the walk. Well after awhile hubby decided this was getting too expensive. So I was told to stay home to save gas. I decided to use my son when I attempted to work out at home. I tried walking in my neighborhood but there are too many wild dogs running around. I have witnessed or heard of too many dog attacks on my street alone. I did not lose the weight nearly as fast and all kinds of medical issues kept producing themselves to me. My lower back kept going out and my knees and feet were getting worse. Really inhibits me from many exercises. That is why I liked walking. Does not require excessive bending of the back or knees.
 
People tell me I am in am abusive relationship. May not be physical, or verbal, but it is mental.  They say if I do not find a release or a moment I am going to snap. I have my moment after 1 am when everyone has gone to bed. I take a hot bath and read. Usually around 3 or 3:30 I finally turn over and go to sleep. These 2 hours are all I get every day. My husband reprimands me for not going to sleep right away, that I'm losing sleep. But I will lose sleep to get my me time. And I can still perform my motherly-wifey-sex addict duties.

Time Flies When You Have Kids

Have a kid and your time is gone. I thought I was busy before. Now I need to have my life and take a kid along.

My son was born November of 2009. It is now 2014. Currently he is 4 years old, 42 inches tall, and 37 lbs.

I have not written my blog as every time I get near the computer my son completely freaks out. He can see me. He can hear me. He can touch me. BUT, if I just go near the laptop he acts like I have abandoned him and he begins crying and climbing all over me. I have had him sit in my lap so that he can watch. That was also a disaster. He proceeded to touch every button on the keyboard. Thus resulting in him ruining my work and forcing me to reboot the system. At 4 years old he still does this.

My newest trick, so that I can have some internet time, is I either put him down for a nap, or I turn on the tablet and let him do school for a bit. We work on the PC twice a day for an hour. He does 2 school projects then a fun program. Then return to school.

I have worked on teaching him since he was born. Identifying colors, counting cars, and words to items. He is brilliant but will only retain information for a short amount of time or what interests him most. Like helicopters and construction equipment.

He was holding his own bottle at 3 weeks old. Super fussy when he wanted to sleep and even crankier about being woke up (just like his father). Absolutely adored eating any and all vegetables, meats he would spit back out. I followed the doctors rules verbatim and when to introduce new foods. The rice and formula did not go over well at first. I had to tweak the flavor with cinnamon and sugar. From birth till now he has been underweight .   He started walking at 8 months old that is because he was chasing a girl.  Before he was born he had a girlfriend who was also not yet born.

She is 5 months older than he is. Her name is Amiela Elizabeth.

They get along great. But lately you put them together and things go bad. Its like bad + bad = satan x2. 

We are currently getting him checked out for ADHD and possibly bipolar. For the past 2+ years he has gotten more and more out of control. Nobody is willing to watch him anymore because of his disobedience. We have any many complications with him that I have no idea what is causing it. People blame it on us saying that we do not pay enough attention to him. When I was working I would let him help me with dinner, and on my days off he helped me with housework and I took him to the park. Now that I am out of work I am with him 24/7. We spend 2 hours a day on the computer and I spend an additional 2 hours playing cars or blocks. When we watch shows I still interact with him so that he does not feel ignored. I can not say much for his father as he only watches TV, plays on his phone or computer, sleep, eat, and  work. But that is another blog. 

Anyways some of the  things that he has done or does have bothered me. It makes me wonder if he is going to grow up being a murderer. He has NO respect for authority and no amount of punishment can get through him. We have spanked him, put him in the corner, placed him on the couch, given him lemon juice, slapped his hands, taken toys away from him, we have even told him we were going somewhere special, then cancelled because he did something wrong. None of it worked. We are repeatedly telling him no, numerous times a day. When he does good I reward him. But all day long we are telling him to leave the animals alone. He is forever picking up the cats or chasing the cats. He steals the dogs toy and hides them. Or he lays on the dog. Some other things that he is disobedient about is not doing things that he is told. You have to say his name three times. Usually yelling the third time. Then you have to keep on him to complete his task. Usually a punishment happens during this time because he loses his concentration for the task,. Like picking up his toys. The punishment is usually stand in the corner which he gets highly dramatic over. He will scream and  run from you, like you are about to take a whipping stick to him. When he does deserve a smack on the butt he will scream as loud and as high as he can. I am waiting for the day when authorities show up at the door because the neighbors think I am killing him. He also has these moments of abuse. He likes to hit people when he is being put in time out. Or if you are not paying attention to him he will hit his fist into your leg or arm to get your attention. We have also caught him hitting the dog with a closed fist. Sometimes when they are playing or when the dog is just walking by.  He pulls the dog and the cats tails. Or holds them down. He will get overly aggressive with the dog. He will grab the dogs face, with hands full of fur and shake its head. He will play in the water anywhere he can find it. No means nothing. 

I have been awe stricken by some of the things that he has done. He has put the cat in the tub and poured shampoo all over it. He has peed on the floor. He has put another child into the bottom drawer of his tower. He has pulled fur out of the animals. He has locked animals into rooms. But the worst one he has ever done was smear his poop all over his shirt and pants. The next day I discovered that the poop was also on 3 walls and his carpet, and quite a few toys. While cleaning it up I also discovered that he had peed on his blocks and various other toys. Which promptly were thrown away. He was refused a lot of pleasures for a week. I was seriously upset.
Because of the way he acts no one will watch him. Of course I only have 2 sitters. My mother and my husbands grandmother. They are both old and medically unstable. My sister in laws all over the age of 18, won't even volunteer to watch him. They have to be paid a lot to watch him and even then it is like pulling teeth. I seem to be the only one who can control him (sort of), but I still do the best out of everyone. I had joined the gym and would put him in the daycare they have. I would get maybe 15-30 min of a workout and they would page me. Apparently he was climbing on stuff, sitting on other kids, stealing toys and  throwing them at the kids, and playing in the sink. They would put him in time out but he would just get up and go play. They would try again and he would give them a dirty face and slide under the table and take off. Then they would call me. This was just one reason I had to quit the gym. He stayed with my girlfriend for a week while I went away for a funeral. Hubby was working nights and could not take care of him. She had a hard time with him too. Time out ment nothing. Slaps on the hand resulted in dirty looks and screaming. he would not stay in time out. He would not stay in his bed. He almost walked out the front door because he thought my friend had left. He was a challenge to feed. He pushed down other kids. My friend worried for her younger child and had her sent away to another family members house while he was there. I also had heard that he stole food and drinks without asking. I ended up cutting my trip short so that I could come home and deal with him.

I have had my moments also where I just end up crying cause I am lost. I will tell him no and he will make a face at me then continue doing it. I will put him in time out and the second I walk away he gets out. If I stand next to him to keep him in the corner, he kicks the wall and screams at me. He has been screaming at me a lot lately. When not screaming at me he is looking at me defiantly waiting to see if I come after him. When I finally get fed up and I do go after him he acts like I am coming after him with an axe. I have tried so much to get him to listen to me. I have offered things that he loves to get him to do other stuff. He loves doing school, taking baths and going out. I will not hesitate to take them away just  to get him to obey. Sometimes even these items can not  thwart him from being destructive. I have been calling him the ultimate destroyer since he was 10 months old.
He has caused scenes in stores that makes me want to run out of the store crying and leave him there. He screamed at the top of his lungs because I did not get him something from the toy isle.  He has pulled things off shelves. Some items he has broken. He has grabbed people as they walk by. I always give him ultimatums. You can push the  cart but if you hit someone you sit in the big part. Then when he is in the big part I say If you reach out and grab stuff then you are going in the little part.  He almost always gets put in the little part.
People say he is only a child. He is only 4. Well I was photographer for Walmart for 9 years. I took pictures of kids of all ages. Especially kids his age. I saw a few that were troublesome. I saw kids with handicaps. The majority did not act like him. He is wild, unruly, and disobedient. I do not like taking him to peoples houses for get togethers because I can not get a single second to socialize as I am watching my son. The second he is out of my sights I am on him. People say that I am smothering him when I am trying to keep him from hurting other kids, eating/drinking other peoples stuff, sneaking out of the house, or getting into things that are not his.
I feel like a single parent which will be explained in the next blog. I am the sole everything for this child. I wake with him. I fix him breakfast lunch and dinner. I clean up his breakfast lunch and dinner. I play with him, I bathe him, I dress him. I take him on outings and I take him to the store with me. I take him to the doctors. I am even the name that he cries out for in the middle of the night.