I have found myself crying a lot lately. Over the stupidest shit. Just today I cried because the doctor died. Doctor who that is. He was my favorite. But I have also been crying every night.
I never used to be so emotional. Yeah I would cry over romances where the husband dies. I would think of my own husband dying and I would lose it. Now if I child dies I get all whimpery. But for the past 6 months I have found myself crying nightly. I try to hide it from my son. When he sees me cry he always gets me a tissue. So I hold it in and wait till he is in bed to lose my mind.
Some would call it depression. Which it just may be. I keep wanting to drink at night. But we have alcoholics in our families. Very bad ones. Ones that drink all day. Ones who think they need it to sleep. Ones who think it is the only thing to do after work. My child is more important than a buzz. That's why I would leave for 24 hours, once a year, and just go drinking and stay in a hotel. No kid, no husband, no housework, no responsibility. This year I did not do that. Maybe that is why I keep having outbursts.
I blew up the other day because I had to relinquish my money for my husbands birthday for the second time. Previously I had saved $165.00 and took it and put it in the bank, because we were hurting so bad for money. Since he paid the bills on Friday he has made it very clear that we have no money. Any time I have mentioned that I need to go somewhere, he has taken the opportunity to lay into me for it. I We do not have the funds for food and gas. I told him his son was out of food and I needed to get something. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. He got irate about not having the funds to survive the week. I had saved the money again for his birthday. It was only a $100.00. He made me so pissed off that I threw it at him and said happy birthday. I do not have enough time to save the money again. So I took the $15.00 gift card and put it in his favorite game. At least I could get him something. He says he don't care about his birthday but I do. I always get him stuff that he needs or he wants. This year he out did me on gifts but only because my money went towards gas, food, and smokes. Anyways I threw the money at him, then returned to cooking dinner. Of course he yelled at me. So I threw the spoon I was stirring with and stormed out into the back door. He grabbed my arm on the way out aggressively, but I tore it free. I sat in the farthest corner of the yard, in the direct sunlight, and cried to the point of hyperventilation. Instead of coming out to talk to me he screamed at me from the back door. He said " IF YOU ARE NOT BACK IN THIS HOUSE IN 5 MIN, I AM LEAVING." Typical just run away, who cares about me anyways. Well I knew I had food cooking on the stove. I also knew that I could not rely on him to stir it or stop it, so I came back in and finished cooking it then served it. He decided to come in pissed off and screaming about his birthday is just another day blah blah blah. All I heard was I had money I bought you stuff deal with it.
My husband and my son are the reasons that I cry nightly. I am so trapped, suffocated, stressed, worn out, and lost. I am sure I am much more but I'm too stupid to word it right. Please read the post prior to this one and the post prior to that one to understand why I am Broken.
I have considered leaving so many times but where would I go? My mom lives in an old folks trailer park. My brother and I are on ends. Family back home has no room for me. Discovered that when we went for the funeral and nobody had space for us. I can sleep on a couch no problem. I am no longer what I used to be. I used to be out going. I used to get invited to places. Now the only thing I get invited to is herping and dinner with my husband, oh also fishing. But I never really get invited to that I just show up. (of course I am tending to my son the whole time so no real enjoyment for me). I can't go anywhere anyways. If I go my son goes. My son is possible ADHD and autistic. People don't want him around as he does not listen and gets into everything. He has no boundaries. He does not learn from punishments. With all the literature I have been reading lately I seriously think my husband is too. My life is in the house. I get really super excited when I get to go to the store all by myself. I post it on facebook, smile while smoking in my car, and listen to music that cusses, A LOT!
Nobody would notice if I shut down from the world. I am doing a test right now in facebook. Trust me I am having a hard time with it. I am definitely lurking but that is it. Anyways on Sunday Augusts 24th at 7:00p.m. I decided to remove myself from the scene. I have stopped liking and commenting on everything. I removed myself from Sonoran Desert Wildlife (members 300+). I removed myself from Randomness ( members 20+) and from Hotchicks (members 2). Anybody notice? Nope. If they have nobody has a bothered confronting me on it. My husband has not even noticed. Nice huh? He has also not noticed that I have stopped asking him to set up the kids table for dinner, and I have not been eating as much. My portions have gotten way smaller. More food for him. But yet I still don't lose weight.
The biggest reasons that I have found myself crying is, my son just does not listen, my husband is not attentive to my needs, I have no job, and I have no life. I would seriously have nobody on my facebook list but family. Most of the non family are hubbies friends, their wives or the I think 5 friends from my past. Only 2 I do stuff with in person.
I feel as though it has turned into a same shit different day. Scream all day and cry all night while performing my duties as a mother, wife, and housekeeper. Watching my husband leave the house for hours on end while I do deal with the house for hours on end.
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Martin Luther King Speech Revised by ME
===============================================
Wow all I did was change one word.
I never used to be so emotional. Yeah I would cry over romances where the husband dies. I would think of my own husband dying and I would lose it. Now if I child dies I get all whimpery. But for the past 6 months I have found myself crying nightly. I try to hide it from my son. When he sees me cry he always gets me a tissue. So I hold it in and wait till he is in bed to lose my mind.
Some would call it depression. Which it just may be. I keep wanting to drink at night. But we have alcoholics in our families. Very bad ones. Ones that drink all day. Ones who think they need it to sleep. Ones who think it is the only thing to do after work. My child is more important than a buzz. That's why I would leave for 24 hours, once a year, and just go drinking and stay in a hotel. No kid, no husband, no housework, no responsibility. This year I did not do that. Maybe that is why I keep having outbursts.
I blew up the other day because I had to relinquish my money for my husbands birthday for the second time. Previously I had saved $165.00 and took it and put it in the bank, because we were hurting so bad for money. Since he paid the bills on Friday he has made it very clear that we have no money. Any time I have mentioned that I need to go somewhere, he has taken the opportunity to lay into me for it. I We do not have the funds for food and gas. I told him his son was out of food and I needed to get something. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. He got irate about not having the funds to survive the week. I had saved the money again for his birthday. It was only a $100.00. He made me so pissed off that I threw it at him and said happy birthday. I do not have enough time to save the money again. So I took the $15.00 gift card and put it in his favorite game. At least I could get him something. He says he don't care about his birthday but I do. I always get him stuff that he needs or he wants. This year he out did me on gifts but only because my money went towards gas, food, and smokes. Anyways I threw the money at him, then returned to cooking dinner. Of course he yelled at me. So I threw the spoon I was stirring with and stormed out into the back door. He grabbed my arm on the way out aggressively, but I tore it free. I sat in the farthest corner of the yard, in the direct sunlight, and cried to the point of hyperventilation. Instead of coming out to talk to me he screamed at me from the back door. He said " IF YOU ARE NOT BACK IN THIS HOUSE IN 5 MIN, I AM LEAVING." Typical just run away, who cares about me anyways. Well I knew I had food cooking on the stove. I also knew that I could not rely on him to stir it or stop it, so I came back in and finished cooking it then served it. He decided to come in pissed off and screaming about his birthday is just another day blah blah blah. All I heard was I had money I bought you stuff deal with it.
My husband and my son are the reasons that I cry nightly. I am so trapped, suffocated, stressed, worn out, and lost. I am sure I am much more but I'm too stupid to word it right. Please read the post prior to this one and the post prior to that one to understand why I am Broken.
I have considered leaving so many times but where would I go? My mom lives in an old folks trailer park. My brother and I are on ends. Family back home has no room for me. Discovered that when we went for the funeral and nobody had space for us. I can sleep on a couch no problem. I am no longer what I used to be. I used to be out going. I used to get invited to places. Now the only thing I get invited to is herping and dinner with my husband, oh also fishing. But I never really get invited to that I just show up. (of course I am tending to my son the whole time so no real enjoyment for me). I can't go anywhere anyways. If I go my son goes. My son is possible ADHD and autistic. People don't want him around as he does not listen and gets into everything. He has no boundaries. He does not learn from punishments. With all the literature I have been reading lately I seriously think my husband is too. My life is in the house. I get really super excited when I get to go to the store all by myself. I post it on facebook, smile while smoking in my car, and listen to music that cusses, A LOT!
Nobody would notice if I shut down from the world. I am doing a test right now in facebook. Trust me I am having a hard time with it. I am definitely lurking but that is it. Anyways on Sunday Augusts 24th at 7:00p.m. I decided to remove myself from the scene. I have stopped liking and commenting on everything. I removed myself from Sonoran Desert Wildlife (members 300+). I removed myself from Randomness ( members 20+) and from Hotchicks (members 2). Anybody notice? Nope. If they have nobody has a bothered confronting me on it. My husband has not even noticed. Nice huh? He has also not noticed that I have stopped asking him to set up the kids table for dinner, and I have not been eating as much. My portions have gotten way smaller. More food for him. But yet I still don't lose weight.
The biggest reasons that I have found myself crying is, my son just does not listen, my husband is not attentive to my needs, I have no job, and I have no life. I would seriously have nobody on my facebook list but family. Most of the non family are hubbies friends, their wives or the I think 5 friends from my past. Only 2 I do stuff with in person.
I feel as though it has turned into a same shit different day. Scream all day and cry all night while performing my duties as a mother, wife, and housekeeper. Watching my husband leave the house for hours on end while I do deal with the house for hours on end.
=========================================
Martin Luther King Speech Revised by ME
Five score years ago,
a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we
stand today, signed the
Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great
beacon light of hope to millions of housewives who had been seared in the flames of
withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their
captivity.
But one hundred years later, the housewife still is not free. One
hundred years later, the life of the housewife is still sadly crippled by the manacles of
segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the housewife lives on a
lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred
years later, the housewife is still languished in the corners of American society and finds themselves in exile in their own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful
condition.
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Wow all I did was change one word.
