Do you notice

I put my hair down when we're out running around?

I put on flavored chapstick when we kiss?

I wear perfume when we're making love?

I haul ass to get home so your dinner is ready when you arrive?

Keep everything picked up so you don't see the clutter?

Turn down events with friends so you are not stuck with the baby?

Have dinner for you ready every single night?

Give you time for your PC or Xbox?

Let you go out with friends?

Make your coffee every morning?

Don't get on you when you buy yourself stuff?

Ask for nothing?

Keep your kid occupied so he is not bothering you?

Go out of my way to bring you lunch or something you forgot?

Take care of the house and ask for little to no help?

Make sure you are comfortable so you can sleep?

Keep everyone quiet so you can sleep?

Buy you gifts, even if it is a soda,  whenever I go out?

Make appointments on my time so you are not inconvenienced on your day off?

Try not to annoy you with my pain or if I'm sick,  by not telling you?

Wait you hand and foot when your sick or not?

Do nothing when people put me down.  Even when it is your family?

Try to look my extra best for you when we do something nice? Even though it's like 2 times a year,  if that?

Probably not.  You only notice when I do it wrong. 

Help he says

This was written a month ago thought I lost it.

Hahhahahahahha that's fucking funny. 

So Dave this morning decided to pull the I have to do everything involving the bills. Yelling why don't you help me (his voice even cracked like he was going to cry). So I went ok then you start helping me with the house and your son and I will. This made him yell louder.  He said I'm sick of being broke every two weeks.  Why don't you get a job.  I looked at him and said because you said you wanted me to be a stay at home mom. Then our son got too difficult and I'm the only one who watches him. Now he's in school and I still can't get a job because then I get calls from the school to come get him or talk to him because he has become a lunatic.

This all started with him being mad about us being broke.  Saying we owe the HOA $200. I said we should not pay until they fix the wall that they broke back in July.  He said the HOA would tear us apart in court and win.  I stated that we have video proof they were on the wall.  We have email correspondence in reference to the wall.  Then he went into being broke again and that's where the fighting started. 
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I never finished writing it as the day progressed to him being pissed off at every little thing.  Then dealing with the HOA for weeks.  It's fixed now and we pay monthly to them.  But I wanted this posted cause he actually pulled the help me card.  You know the one that I'm always pulling. 

Fairness

This is one of my biggest complaints.  How come you can but I can't?

You say I'm not a prisoner but everytime I say I'm going out you get all bent out of shape.  You go to concerts,  friends houses,  Nascar, work functions,  Nanas, herping,  you even get to go to work....  But if I  say I'm going out you get mad and tell me no. 

You come up with everything to keep me from leaving the house.  No money,  you go instead,  you tell me we had plans (that I was never notified of),  you inform me we have lots of shows to watch,  or you have to go somewhere first.

You will sit for hours playing on your phone, then when I start mine you turn off yours and start shows.  Not even giving me a chance to finish the level or finish writing.  You get on your console or watch football, for you time, but when I want to bathe for me time I can't.  You insist I watch.

You buy 5 dollar apps a few times a month.  I buy 1 dollar for a game and suddenly were bankrupt. 

When you go out your gone for hours.  But if I'm out longer than 3 you act as if I've been gone for a day.

You can buy a 60 dollar game or shoes but I buy stuff for the house and hell freezes over. 

You sleep in every day off getting 12 hours.  I'm trying for 6 and you do everything to get me up. 

Sex?  Only if you want it.  I will throw signals.  Flirting, groping, sexting.... By the end of the night you fall asleep or suddenly sick.  Every single time. 

If your son or I are watching TV you turn it off.  But if I turn off your stuff because it's been paused forever you get upset.  (it's going to burn into the screen.  You words not mine.)

You go out and smoke when your ready.  If I do that you throw a tantrum.

When out smoking you will sit out there on your phone for a half hour.  But if I do it your telling me to come inside five minutes later. 

I'm into almost everything you are into.  But your into none of mine.  I got into herping,  playing pc games,  phone games,  watch all your shows,  see movies you want to see,  go to your friends events. But I do not like sports or consoles.  These are the only 2 things I dislike.  I prefer to do things I enjoy instead, like reading,  writing,  hot baths,  watching my shows(none of the things you enjoy for that matter).

You will tell me repeatedly were going to be late or its getting late at night we need to watch shows or leave but you're the one sitting on the couch on your phone for 30 min. 

It's just not fair.  I know your the only one who works.  I know your the only one who has friends.  But I'm the only one who does the housework.  I'm the only one that cares for our kid.  I'm the only one who runs errands and takes the kid to the doctor.  I'm the only one who cooks and serves dinner. 

Confused

Since these blogs are not really read unless I point them out to people I figured I might as well tell the Internet my issue. 

I've been having complications lately that I'm not sharing with anyone. I try to hide it but I think some people have seen it. 

For the past 6 months I have been suffering with memory loss. Severly. Not your typical oh where did I put that? Or the why did I come in this room? Though I do those too. I can't remember what day of the week it is.  I will look at the date on my phone repeatedly within 5 minutes.  Then later in the day I will look again.  Repeatedly. I will forget to thaw out dinner.  I won't remember to bring my husband a drink.  Even when he reminds me. I will know what I'm making for dinner,  then forget what I decided on,  panic cause I didn't thaw anything out,  then remember what I was going to make.  I do this a couple times a day. I tend to forget pieces every conversation, some shows become a blur of what happened until triggered. Now I know why they do previously on.  I know I need to read the boys binder nightly,  but I struggle to remember. I'll be cooking dinner and though I'm reading the instructions I will miss a step or read the wrong area and add too much.  I will set the alarm then check 3 more times to make sure.  I do the same thing with the garage.  I have no idea how many times I've been 5 miles from the house and turn around cause I don't know if the garage was closed.  Attempted hiring on the kid as a visual garage assistant but he never remembers to look. I will forget where I'm driving to or drive completely past my exits. Sometimes a few times.  I have been in the middle of a task and just walk away to do something else. Then never return.  I will repeat to myself that I need to do something and then never do it. Then get pissed cause it was important.  I have caught myself triple checking I did something. Then say damnit Ronda out loud because I had forgotten.  I will put stuff in the freezer to quick chill and end up freezing it. In fact,  just now, I needed to read my son's binder so I took my son's lunchbox out of his bag and reloaded it then put it in the fridge. I then stared into the fridge unsure of what I was doing.  I walked to the table to grab some trash and saw the bookbag.  I took the binder out removed the paper inside.  I threw a paper away that was inside and took another to the living room.  It was 30 min before I remembered the binder again.

I have multiple alarms set up on my phone.  Some are common like wake up.  But then I have kid pill,  pick up kid,  kid pill 2, kid pill 3,  and hubby shot. I even have one to remind me to go back into a game.  On my phone calender I have reminders for the yard guys, dog flea stuff, paycheck,  trash days and every appointment.  I also write the appointments on a paper calender. 

This is why I'm a now now now person.  I know if it don't happen it won't happen. 

I have routines that I must stick to.  If I go off them,  alarms won't be set,  the kid won't make it to school on time, dinner will be late, or the dog won't be taken pee.  Interrupting this routine will cause frustration and even worse forgetfulness. 

On top of the youngztimers I have the other complications.  I can't turn my right foot to the side to put on sock or when I'm sitting putting on underwear. 

I have not lost my sexual appetite but by midnight my body says fuck it.  I adore long drawn out sexual episodes but my medications desensitizes me.  I try to hold off from taking them so I can really really enjoy myself.

I have no strength in my hands.  I can not grip anything tightly.  I can't even make a good fist.

My appetite has diminished drastically. I'll be starving then when it's finally time to eat I'm no longer hungry. I can't sleep. I need to read to shut my brain off. Before I can turn over and lay down I check my son, have a smoke,  and use the restroom.  I have what I call reality nightmares. They only happen when I fall asleep on my right side and they start immediately after I doze off.  Headaches are a daily thing. They are not severe but they last a few minutes.  Usually triggered by a bright light or a sudden loud sound.  But can repeat throughout the day.

I always get fall down tired around 11am.  I don't know what causes this but it never fails.  Maybe cause I can't sleep.  Maybe cause I'm not a morning person. Maybe it's the pain that just gets to be too much and my brain says fuck this.  Or it could be because my brain has to many tabs open, that it frys me, forcing a reboot.  I don't know.  I just know.....  Yawn.

So there it is.  I'm lost. 

Your not taking my child!

Thursday afternoon,  1:00 p.m., there is a knock on the door.  I look through the window to see 2 women standing there.  I open the door slightly bracing my foot against the door. (I'm wary of everyone) They identify themselves as  D. C. S.  My jaw drops. I tell them to hold on so I can put my dog away.  I returned and let them in.  When new people enter my house I always ask are you allergic to cats or dogs.  I promptly removed the cats.

They both sat side by side and explained to me that they were called because of a half dollar sized,  raised bruise on my son's wrist.

  The formal complaint being abuse & neglect.  She had a long list of things to read to me but I interrupted her.  I had to know how long this would take.  The look their faces was seriously like who do you think you are.  She said it would take awhile.  I explained I needed to get my son from school in 7 min.  They looked at their watches. I told them I would be back in 15 min and said quick trip was on the corner.  I called hubby and my mom to tell them what's going on as I walked to get him. 

Twenty minutes later we returned.  I sent him to get changed and I checked my house for cleanliness.  Thankfully I had speed cleaned my house that morning as Cox Communications were to come that same morning.  I was glad they had already come and gone. The ladies arrived 5 min later.  My son heard the knock on the door and looked out the window.  He then announced that the women had talked to him at school. Knowing how my son is I actually got worried.  I go to the window and tell them hold on need to lock up the pets again.  I let them in again. We all sat down but we could not talk as my son was adamant that the girls were going to play with him.  Eventually one of them took him into his room so that the grown ups could talk. They learned real quick that he does not listen to me.  It was not going to happen any other way.  Man I was happy his room was clean. 

Finally we could get down to business.  She explained to me that they had already talked to my son and he had told them daddy hit him with a wooden spoon and that was how he got the bruise.  He also told her that we lock him in the closet for days.  Again my jaw dropped.  I explained to her that the dog had jumped on him and made him smack his wrist on the table.  She repeated the story but said the dog lunged.  I explained he is not aggressive to anyone in this house and that he is a jumper.  That's why he gets locked up when people come over. And cause he happy pees.  I also explained to her that the spoon he refers to is a visual stimulant only.  We hold it up to threaten him.  I even showed her the spoon.

  I explained that the mark could never have been made by this spoon. I sat back down and then onto the closet convo. I told her that a doctor,  a behavioral specialist told us too.  I made it clear that the longest visit was 15 min and we ceased in doing this when he was 3. I went as far as giving her the name of his Special needs doctor,  melmed, that had interestingly enough had replaced him. She didn't even ask for it.  I also provided her with his primary care info.  I was opening doors for her to look into us deeply.  Showing I was not hiding anything. She told me the school had mentioned he is autistic and displays aggression. She asked me what I do when I am stressed.  I said smoke.  Of course I got reprimanded for this.  But I said it's better than me screaming my head off at him. I told her I am only gone for at the most 10 min and I keep checking on him through the window. I explained he was not trustworthy and had a tendency to lock doors and torment the animals.  I also said I take long baths after he goes to bed.  She then asked me questions like if I had any Indian heritage. I said yes.  If I had been in an abusive relationship.  I said not with my husband but the guy before him yes.  She asked if I reported it and I said no I was too scared. She asked about drugs and alcohol. I said my husband moved me away from the drugs in 99, and I drink once every 2 years,  and I leave for 24 hours as I don't do it near my son. She asked for my social security number. She also asked how we do punish him. I said we make him stand in the corner or we do criss cross apple sauce on the couch. She asked about his tablet and his playstation. I told her he does not get it if he was not green at school. He does not get the tablet if he was in the red at school or is disobedient at home. But I also explained that if he just extremely uncontrollable we give him the tablet to bring him down from his bout of anger.  Finally the interview was over.  She took a tour of the house to make sure we had food and running water.  She explained she needed to speak to my husband alone.  I explained his only available day is Sunday or Monday.  She said she would contact him Monday for a time. Then they left. SOCIAL PUNISH

The whole weekend we were stressed.  We were also not happy with the kid for telling lies.

Monday finally rolled around.  Got the kid off to school and then waited.  Dave called her in the morning to set a time but she was still unsure of when she would make it.  Brownie points for him.  She arrived around 3:30. The kid and I were just packing into the car to leave.  I had to run back into the house twice cause I forgot stuff.  I over heard on the final exit that he will not be taken by the state at this time.  That was good enough for me. 

I returned an hour later.  My husband was not as social about the conversation like I was,  plus his memory is crap,  but these are things he told me. How do you discipline him? Asked for his social and made it clear that he was helpless to the fact that they could take him.  They called off the cops though she is not sure they still won't visit.  There is no way the wooden spoon left that mark. That the kid said I was the one who hit him with the spoon. I guess they were satisfied as the said  they'll be in touch. 

Now I know it was the school.  Nobody is going to fess up. After the dog pushed him down,  nobody has seen him but us and the school. I've been holding a grudge against them for it.  But I'm not letting them know it affected me.  I've been acting like business as usual.  They have been avoiding me. 

I was ready for another sit down with them. I wanted to tell them that if I was a bad parent why would I still have all the safety precautions up. IE... outlet covers, doorknob covers, cabinet locks. The medications are at a high level and child gates, or locked doors, block him from entering rooms he is not permitted in. Why do I keep and emergency bag in my car.  I would also go on to explain that if I was a bad parent I wouldn't sit with him during his baths. I wouldn't keep hold of his hands every time we walked near cars. I wouldn't be adamant that he eats all his food. That I do not permit him sodas and junk food except on special occasions.  I don't let him run off and do whatever he wants. When out in public or at a friends house, I am always 2 feet behind keeping him from getting into stuff that is not his, or doing something dangerous. How many parents you know do that.

Obviously not hot

I didn't want to write about this but I just could stop thinking about it. So here is me once again filing a huge complaint.

So we went to a wedding this past weekend. Two months ago I bought a dress for this wedding. I thought it was fantastic. It expressed my favorite part of my body, my breasts. I have not worn a dress in years and years and years. When I dress up I wear slacks or a long skirt and blouse. When I saw this thing I knew I had to have it. It fit exactly how I wanted it to. I hid the dress from hubby. I wanted it to be a surprise. We had a sitter and all was set to go. Here is how it went down.

I had started my hair and done half my makeup. The dress was still hidden. He had finally gotten dressed and left the room to me. My parents (the sitters) had arrived, so now he was distracted. I ducked into the bathroom and got dressed. I felt gorgeous. I finished my hair and makeup, put my shoes on, put on jewelry, and even perfume. I walked out into the living room and my mom gave me a smile and a nod. She thought I looked good. My husband was as usual face down into his phone. I paraded past him 6 times. Nearly killed myself twice in my new shoes that  I would eventually trade in for older tighter shoes.  I would stop straight across from him and wait for him to look up. I eventually got fed up and finished getting everything ready to go.

He glanced at me and said, we better get going. I was heart broken. I thought I looked smoking. I looked at my mom almost in tears. He went out to the truck and I went into the bathroom to look myself over and for selfies.

My son came in and complimented my clothes, told me I  looked pretty then asked to take a picture with me.

I finally grabbed my stuff and headed for the door.

I got in the truck where immediately hubby started yelling at me cause he forgot to get the camera. So of course I was sent back in to retrieve it. I came in cussing up a storm about him not saying a word about how I looked and that he was mad at me cause he forgot the camera.  My dad threw in his two cents that I looked good. I growled  back that it was too late. I returned to the truck and kicked off my shoes. We drove off.

In need of gas he stops at the quick trip and tells me to go inside and get us drinks and pay for gas. I sighed heavily as I had just peeled off those shoes. I go inside and honestly didn't want to leave. For once in many years I was eye candy. One of the staff helped me with the drinks, a customer let me cut in front of him, the cashier gave me a discount on the drinks, and two guys held the door open for me as I left. Not to mention the countless others who were eyeballing me in the store. I kinda got the thought I had done something right. I returned to the truck and waited for him to get in. He looked at me then said "where did you get the dress"? I said "Savers 2 months ago". Starting the truck to leave he said looks nice. That was it, that was all he said. No groping, no kiss, no more comments just that.

The wedding I could not wait to end. It was lovely but it was like every event... he's gone and I'm all alone. I asked someone who was walking by if they would take my picture. I wanted a full body picture of me in this dress. They're are not awesome pictures but they will do.

I only caught my husband once taking a picture of me and I was scratching my head at the time. The gel was pulling my hair. I figured I would take another selfie. I was bound and determined to get on record I was in a dress and in my opinion was working it. From the looks of a few people and the comments I got 'from strangers' they all agreed with me. I even had one guy offer me a drink but I declined it. Thinking back I should have accepted it.

As the day turned into night it was not anymore thrilling as far as the hopes to get some sort of affection out of my husband.  I followed him around. Was tapping his butt and grazing his groin, but I got no reaction.  By the end of dinner I was fed up. I just wanted to go home. I was going to surprise him and get in at least one dance. But while I was checking up on the kid he came out and said "lets say our goodbyes and head home". I was heartbroken but he is the boss. So I went back in collected my purse and said farewell.

We stopped at McDonald's on our way home for some eats, as the wedding was just vegetables and sandwich meat. I went to the restroom and then came out. I had figured he had already ordered as he was sitting at a table on his phone. So I sat down. Apparently I was supposed to go place our order. I went and ordered then sat back down and waited. This is what I saw the whole time.

Our order was called and I retrieved it. We ate then I cleaned it up and threw it away. I returned and sat down to this

Thats all he did the whole time. Not talk about how I looked or anything. Eventually we went home. After my parents left I ran to the bathroom and took a bath. I will admit I cried. I was all sorts of upset that I thought I had knocked it out of the ballpark in looks that night. Should have just gone in a pair of slacks and a blouse. Would have gotten the same response from him, but I would have been more comfortable. Decided on one last set of selfies, of the dress, for the night was needed. This is without the black overshirt. Just so yall know he still never said or did a damn thing about the dress. We didn't even have sex. I'm going to give it back to Savers. Maybe someone else could get appreciated in it.

I finally climbed into the tub and washed away all the ugliness I had done to myself. Quickly washed out the hair gel and scrubbed my face hard to get off the makeup.  It will be a very long time before I put myself on the line again. Obviously I was not attractive to him. Here I am as myself after the bath.

Make-up and hair products were invented for me specifically. Dramatic change.

I hate myself

I hate myself.....

I hate how fat I am. I have tried working out. I have tried eating less. I have tried diet pills. I have tried to ignore it and just feel better for myself. I failed.

I can't stand to look in full body mirrors. I hate how my stomach folds over my pelvis. I hate how my arms jiggle. Hate how I get a second chin when someone takes my picture or I attempt selfies.

I hate that my butt looks like cottage cheese.

I praise how heavy women can walk around so confident and be beautiful. They wear anything and don't care what hangs out or how it hangs out. I have to have a shirt over a shirt to cover the flab and hide my ass. One of the hottest short and rounds is my girlfriend Elizabeth. Shes got it going on.

As long as I photo from  the tits up and I have makeup, I think I look pretty good.

I express my chest, to distract from the rest of my body, (not one of my better boob photos)

and hide my belly.

I wear big pants to avoid bulging. I cant stand my back side having its photo taken. Looks like 2 people in 1 pair for pants.

I was super skinny when I met my husband

Now I'm huge.

I hate myself. My husband hates me because I will not have sex in the nude with the lights on. He hates me because I will not wear a bathing suit. He hates that I keep my midriff covered and get upset if he touches my tummy. He hates that I sleep in shorts and a tshirt. I'm embarrassed to show my legs that have scars, my arms wobble and have stretch marks, and my belly that hangs and jiggles.

My husband says he loves it when my hair is down. I put it down and get no acknowledgement. I keep it up at home because I shed and I want to avoid my hair in the food. I put it up when we drive because I am not a fan of the flavor of my hair. But once we stop and get out, I take it down.

I don't know what to do. I am not sexy and even though I color my hair to distract from the grey,

I am still ugly. I have tried dressing sexy

I even tried changing my hair style,

 

But it was all a fail. A waist of money and time. 

It also does not help that my health inhibits me.  I have arthritis in my knees, scoliosis in my lower back, and a bone deformity in my feet. Now I may possibly have fibromyalgia.  I used to love to hike. But stepping up kills my knees. I will tough out a lot of walking because I refuse to be an invalid. I go a whole day in pain and preserve my medicine for at night so I can sleep in no pain. I dose during the day if I have been riding in the truck or walking all day. 

I hate myself. I hate my looks. 

And eating sunflower seeds and drinking water all day does not help you lose weight. My body is proof of that.