I hate myself

I hate myself.....

I hate how fat I am. I have tried working out. I have tried eating less. I have tried diet pills. I have tried to ignore it and just feel better for myself. I failed.

I can't stand to look in full body mirrors. I hate how my stomach folds over my pelvis. I hate how my arms jiggle. Hate how I get a second chin when someone takes my picture or I attempt selfies.

I hate that my butt looks like cottage cheese.

I praise how heavy women can walk around so confident and be beautiful. They wear anything and don't care what hangs out or how it hangs out. I have to have a shirt over a shirt to cover the flab and hide my ass. One of the hottest short and rounds is my girlfriend Elizabeth. Shes got it going on.

As long as I photo from  the tits up and I have makeup, I think I look pretty good.

I express my chest, to distract from the rest of my body, (not one of my better boob photos)

and hide my belly.

I wear big pants to avoid bulging. I cant stand my back side having its photo taken. Looks like 2 people in 1 pair for pants.

I was super skinny when I met my husband

Now I'm huge.

I hate myself. My husband hates me because I will not have sex in the nude with the lights on. He hates me because I will not wear a bathing suit. He hates that I keep my midriff covered and get upset if he touches my tummy. He hates that I sleep in shorts and a tshirt. I'm embarrassed to show my legs that have scars, my arms wobble and have stretch marks, and my belly that hangs and jiggles.

My husband says he loves it when my hair is down. I put it down and get no acknowledgement. I keep it up at home because I shed and I want to avoid my hair in the food. I put it up when we drive because I am not a fan of the flavor of my hair. But once we stop and get out, I take it down.

I don't know what to do. I am not sexy and even though I color my hair to distract from the grey,

I am still ugly. I have tried dressing sexy

I even tried changing my hair style,

 

But it was all a fail. A waist of money and time. 

It also does not help that my health inhibits me.  I have arthritis in my knees, scoliosis in my lower back, and a bone deformity in my feet. Now I may possibly have fibromyalgia.  I used to love to hike. But stepping up kills my knees. I will tough out a lot of walking because I refuse to be an invalid. I go a whole day in pain and preserve my medicine for at night so I can sleep in no pain. I dose during the day if I have been riding in the truck or walking all day. 

I hate myself. I hate my looks. 

And eating sunflower seeds and drinking water all day does not help you lose weight. My body is proof of that.