Fairness

This is one of my biggest complaints.  How come you can but I can't?

You say I'm not a prisoner but everytime I say I'm going out you get all bent out of shape.  You go to concerts,  friends houses,  Nascar, work functions,  Nanas, herping,  you even get to go to work....  But if I  say I'm going out you get mad and tell me no. 

You come up with everything to keep me from leaving the house.  No money,  you go instead,  you tell me we had plans (that I was never notified of),  you inform me we have lots of shows to watch,  or you have to go somewhere first.

You will sit for hours playing on your phone, then when I start mine you turn off yours and start shows.  Not even giving me a chance to finish the level or finish writing.  You get on your console or watch football, for you time, but when I want to bathe for me time I can't.  You insist I watch.

You buy 5 dollar apps a few times a month.  I buy 1 dollar for a game and suddenly were bankrupt. 

When you go out your gone for hours.  But if I'm out longer than 3 you act as if I've been gone for a day.

You can buy a 60 dollar game or shoes but I buy stuff for the house and hell freezes over. 

You sleep in every day off getting 12 hours.  I'm trying for 6 and you do everything to get me up. 

Sex?  Only if you want it.  I will throw signals.  Flirting, groping, sexting.... By the end of the night you fall asleep or suddenly sick.  Every single time. 

If your son or I are watching TV you turn it off.  But if I turn off your stuff because it's been paused forever you get upset.  (it's going to burn into the screen.  You words not mine.)

You go out and smoke when your ready.  If I do that you throw a tantrum.

When out smoking you will sit out there on your phone for a half hour.  But if I do it your telling me to come inside five minutes later. 

I'm into almost everything you are into.  But your into none of mine.  I got into herping,  playing pc games,  phone games,  watch all your shows,  see movies you want to see,  go to your friends events. But I do not like sports or consoles.  These are the only 2 things I dislike.  I prefer to do things I enjoy instead, like reading,  writing,  hot baths,  watching my shows(none of the things you enjoy for that matter).

You will tell me repeatedly were going to be late or its getting late at night we need to watch shows or leave but you're the one sitting on the couch on your phone for 30 min. 

It's just not fair.  I know your the only one who works.  I know your the only one who has friends.  But I'm the only one who does the housework.  I'm the only one that cares for our kid.  I'm the only one who runs errands and takes the kid to the doctor.  I'm the only one who cooks and serves dinner. 

Confused

Since these blogs are not really read unless I point them out to people I figured I might as well tell the Internet my issue. 

I've been having complications lately that I'm not sharing with anyone. I try to hide it but I think some people have seen it. 

For the past 6 months I have been suffering with memory loss. Severly. Not your typical oh where did I put that? Or the why did I come in this room? Though I do those too. I can't remember what day of the week it is.  I will look at the date on my phone repeatedly within 5 minutes.  Then later in the day I will look again.  Repeatedly. I will forget to thaw out dinner.  I won't remember to bring my husband a drink.  Even when he reminds me. I will know what I'm making for dinner,  then forget what I decided on,  panic cause I didn't thaw anything out,  then remember what I was going to make.  I do this a couple times a day. I tend to forget pieces every conversation, some shows become a blur of what happened until triggered. Now I know why they do previously on.  I know I need to read the boys binder nightly,  but I struggle to remember. I'll be cooking dinner and though I'm reading the instructions I will miss a step or read the wrong area and add too much.  I will set the alarm then check 3 more times to make sure.  I do the same thing with the garage.  I have no idea how many times I've been 5 miles from the house and turn around cause I don't know if the garage was closed.  Attempted hiring on the kid as a visual garage assistant but he never remembers to look. I will forget where I'm driving to or drive completely past my exits. Sometimes a few times.  I have been in the middle of a task and just walk away to do something else. Then never return.  I will repeat to myself that I need to do something and then never do it. Then get pissed cause it was important.  I have caught myself triple checking I did something. Then say damnit Ronda out loud because I had forgotten.  I will put stuff in the freezer to quick chill and end up freezing it. In fact,  just now, I needed to read my son's binder so I took my son's lunchbox out of his bag and reloaded it then put it in the fridge. I then stared into the fridge unsure of what I was doing.  I walked to the table to grab some trash and saw the bookbag.  I took the binder out removed the paper inside.  I threw a paper away that was inside and took another to the living room.  It was 30 min before I remembered the binder again.

I have multiple alarms set up on my phone.  Some are common like wake up.  But then I have kid pill,  pick up kid,  kid pill 2, kid pill 3,  and hubby shot. I even have one to remind me to go back into a game.  On my phone calender I have reminders for the yard guys, dog flea stuff, paycheck,  trash days and every appointment.  I also write the appointments on a paper calender. 

This is why I'm a now now now person.  I know if it don't happen it won't happen. 

I have routines that I must stick to.  If I go off them,  alarms won't be set,  the kid won't make it to school on time, dinner will be late, or the dog won't be taken pee.  Interrupting this routine will cause frustration and even worse forgetfulness. 

On top of the youngztimers I have the other complications.  I can't turn my right foot to the side to put on sock or when I'm sitting putting on underwear. 

I have not lost my sexual appetite but by midnight my body says fuck it.  I adore long drawn out sexual episodes but my medications desensitizes me.  I try to hold off from taking them so I can really really enjoy myself.

I have no strength in my hands.  I can not grip anything tightly.  I can't even make a good fist.

My appetite has diminished drastically. I'll be starving then when it's finally time to eat I'm no longer hungry. I can't sleep. I need to read to shut my brain off. Before I can turn over and lay down I check my son, have a smoke,  and use the restroom.  I have what I call reality nightmares. They only happen when I fall asleep on my right side and they start immediately after I doze off.  Headaches are a daily thing. They are not severe but they last a few minutes.  Usually triggered by a bright light or a sudden loud sound.  But can repeat throughout the day.

I always get fall down tired around 11am.  I don't know what causes this but it never fails.  Maybe cause I can't sleep.  Maybe cause I'm not a morning person. Maybe it's the pain that just gets to be too much and my brain says fuck this.  Or it could be because my brain has to many tabs open, that it frys me, forcing a reboot.  I don't know.  I just know.....  Yawn.

So there it is.  I'm lost.