I remember the time

AHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh the past. I am sitting here thinking about my past when I was drinking, and doing drugs. When I was never sick and always working. You know lets start from what made me starting thinking about the past.

It all began with the blog called My True Best Friend. In there I was discussing hanging out with friends. Back before I met my husband and for the first 8 months that we lived together I had ALLOT of friends. All day long I would get visitors, school buddies, work buddies, some buddies I had picked up from other buddies. They would all come to my house and we would drink, watch TV and do drugs. It would last all night long. Wait.... wait lets start from the beginning. The day I met Mary Jane.

I had been working for a call center. I kept myself mostly secluded. All I wanted was to work and go back to my moms house. After a month or two, I met two guys. One, Hoke, who lived in a trailer, played the electric guitar and smoked pot. The other, Storm, lived in a half way house, and was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. They both lived the same distance from me. They both would write me notes. They both called me the ice queen. Only because I was focused on my work. I would hang out with both guys separately. I was interested in Storm but I was concerned about Hokes health. He wasn't feeling so well. I got him feeling good and focused my attention back to Storm. After a few weeks of hanging out at Hokes place and watching him smoke out, I decided I wanted to do it too. The first time was a little scary. Hoke was looking at me and saying 'she is waisted out of her mind'. Any person that is doing drugs or drinking will say 'no I'm not'. Which I did. I was actually hallucinating. I saw one of his friends standing in the hall dancing (he was getting a drink of water). His other friend was on the other end of the couch getting a tattoo. While getting the tattoo he was doing coke and drinking ( he was actually just watching). I was laying with my back against against Hoke taking in the scene. Then Hoke started to kiss my neck and rub my arm (Found that didn't happen at all). I looked at him and everything was all jumpy and stroby. The room was filled with smoke. I was not comfortable with what was going on as I was dating Storm. I asked him what time it was and he had no idea. I asked his other friends and they did not know either. I was ready to go back to my mothers house. I started out the door and found that I WAS really high and could not walk home alone. I would never find my way. I asked Hoke and Jarhead to walk me home. Hoke said he was too fucked up and Jarhead told me that he would drive me but not walk me. I was not about to let him drive me he was more messed up than I was. They walked me to the busy intersection with 8 lanes of traffic, and left me there. I swore that it was around midnight and that my boyfriend would already be home. My parents would be pissed. I ran after the guys and begged again for them to take me home. Eventually I surrendered and let Jarhead take me home. He pulled all the way into my driveway and watched me walk inside. I walked into the house to find my mother, father and brother all sitting in the living room. I took a quick glance at the clock, it said it was 10:15pm. I told my mom I was not feeling to well, and ran to the bedroom. I passed out instantly. But not before laughing at myself for freaking out about the time. I could have sobered up a bit, before coming home. Two and a half hours later Storm came home. He woke me and we went out for a smoke. I guess I had not completely come down yet because outside I started hallucinating that I was in our new apartment and I was talking about how to decorate it. Then I almost walked into the pool. Pretty sure that would have woke me up. The next morning I woke and told Storm everything. He was pissed but he understood. A week later he was no longer going to sobriety classes. I started doing it once a month then when I got my own place it became once a week.

At my own place I had visitors at all hours of the day. I preferred to smoke out at night but my friends came over during the day so I would do it then. Just like a me a friend that did not smoke would come over and eventually she decided she wanted to do it. I was taking a hit off my steamroller when Karen said it. My eyes bugged out and I choked. I made sure this is what she wanted to do. My other friend that was there started loading a bowl in the peace pipe. I asked her if she wanted the peace pipe or the joint. She chose the steamroller. The steamroller was a black cylinder that is a foot and a half long and black. Open on both ends. It would hit really hard and over power a person. I said no but she persisted. She coughed for 5 minutes. At the end of the night our other friend Tina walked her home, then returned back to my house. I was laughing so hard at the story Tina had told me. I guess on the walk home she swore up and down that the sign in front of the police station was walking in step with them on the opposite side of the street. About 15 minutes later Karen called me to tell me that she put her pajamas on inside out, the seat and lid were down on the toilet and she peed on it, and that she was burping in puffs of smoke. She was terrified that her mother would come out and see it. We assure her that would not happen. She started coming over allot more frequently.

At first I was just a pot head. Weed was my pleasure. Unlike other potheads I did not gorge myself on food. Instead, I would clean like a mad man and do some massive mommy mode. I also had an impeccable memory. After awhile it got to be strenuous, working and being the best hostess. I was working at a temp agency. At six am I would walk 6 miles to the agency and then wait to be sent out on a job. Usually I got picked first. After the job I would return back, cash my check, get something to eat and go to work another job that night from the agency. Around 1am we would get off work and half of the crew would go back to my house. From their we would drink, eat, and get high. It got to the point where I never got any sleep so I started visiting my neighbor. At 2am I would walk next door with a camel wide sized joint and she would give me some speed. Now life was good. I didn't have to sleep, or eat, just needed to work and party. On the weekends I didn't work so I would sleep all day Saturday, party with my weed Saturday night. Go to bed at 3am and get up early so that I would sleep Sunday night. At 5am, Monday morning, I would get up and walk to work. Then the week would repeat.

I was in a good life. I had allot of friends. The neighbors would come over to visit. I was constantly high, or buzzed on alcohol. I had a job and a place of my own. I was happy... when I was abusing a substance. When I did not do anything I realized how my life really was. Storm my boyfriend was abusing me, in every way possible. The drugs numbed the pain and feelings. He had me trained like a dog. Dinner was always on the table when he came home. I let his cigarettes, walked 2 feet behind him, and always said sir when speaking to him. When people would come over I was super hostess. I served and refilled drinks. Loaded the bowls and made the joints. Provided the snacks for their munchies. When I was not serving I was sitting at Storms feet on the floor. I was not permitted to speak unless spoken to and I was not permitted to carry on a conversation, unless the other person kept asking questions. Whenever he wanted sex I would surrender willingly. It did not matter if people were in the house or not. Storm would take my hand and guide me to the bedroom or bathroom. He would either take me doggy style, have a pillow over my face for missionary or when I was on top I had to look at the ceiling. When we would finish I would light us both a cigarette and the ashtray would be placed on my pelvis or thigh. He would miss the ashtray and get my body instead. He would then get up and go to the restroom. I would get up too to wash the ashes off of me and hear him in the bathroom masturbating. I confronted him once and that is when he started hitting me. At first I thought it was because he was under the influence but later I found out that was how it was. I was hit, kicked, punched, pushed, and thrown all over the apartment. Thankfully the drugs or booze killed the pain. I felt nothing until later when I was sober. Sober was mostly on Sundays. He was nice enough though to keep the marks out of view. He not only physically abused me but also emotionally scarred me. He would call me ugly, the reason for the pillow. Called me fat, stupid, plus many other names. When he was not calling me names or hitting me he was sleeping with my friends, neighbors, and people that lived around the corner. It was not until the end of the relationship that I found out he was cheating on me. I thought he was going to work, he had been fired. Instead of coming home he was going to other peoples houses. I immediately went and got an HIV test when I found out, then moved out.

I ended up moving in with some friends of mine. Hoke and Gill had hooked up and gotten an apartment together. At there place we all worked together at the same place, and then came home and smoked out. I quit speed and cut down on the drinking immensely. I decided to go on hiatus from relationships for awhile and not get with anyone else. Storm came after me a few times, and found that I had a strong defense at Gills house. He ended up moving back to Pennsylvania with his parents. How he got there I do not know. All I know is that he left with barely anything. All the furniture, electronics, music, dishes, and everything else was mine. He only had clothes. He stole my pipes and sold them to some people for the money to move. While I was with them a friend had me try acid and it had no effect. I also tried heroin but it bored me. I lived with them for awhile then moved back to my parents. I still kept smoking. I would ride my bike to my friends house and stay for a couple hours, just to get away from life and get high. She and I would clean the crud out of her place.

Roughly six months later my friend Karen was hooking me up with this guy named Jerry. He was her boyfriends best friend, and later found out only friend. Karen was sick of Jerry always hanging around so she showed him a picture of me then tried to get us together. I refused him not wanting to get back into another relationship I just wanted to hang with my friends. We eventually did hook up 2 months later. If you read the blog called _____ you can get the full story on how we met and how it ended up. Anyways we moved in with one another and my friends still came over but only when he was at work. My boyfriend no longer did drugs so they would wait until I was alone. They would speed, trip and smoke out. All I did was smoke out. Acid never worked on me. Every night they would come over for 2-3 hours get high and leave when I started to cook dinner. Every night I would smoke out. Jerry did smoke with me though according to him he used to always smoke week. When he would take a hit or two he would just sit there then fell asleep. He only did it with me maybe once or twice. At first Jerry didn't care. Then he started getting concerned that his work would fire him if they did a drug test because of second hand smoke. So I took it into the bedroom. I would smoke one bowl then come back out and watch TV. Then he started just getting nauseous from it. So I did it while I took my bath. Eventually we moved out of that apartment and into his grandmothers house. I did not smoke as much but I still smoked. At first it was on the drier outback, or on the front porch. Then I started doing it inside the car. During the two years we stayed there I smoked less and less and less. Maybe it was because I was away from my contacts or because I no longer had any friends. I just didn't have it all the time.

In our next apartment I only did it when we went to one of his friends houses. His friends wife would ask me to come into the other room away from everyone else. Jerry told me to go ahead. The first few times I said no, but eventually I needed a time out too. At first we were at their house allot then it was once a month. I only did it once a month. After awhile we would see them every six months. So, I only did it every six months. Then we stopped hanging out with them all together. The next time I did it, was my last time I ever did it. Roughly 8 years ago we had gone to Ozz Fest. Jerrys' friends from Prescott had come down. We were up in the grass and Jerry and all his friends but one decided to see how close they could get. At 11pm Ozzy came on stage and Valde loaded the bowl. I took two hits off his pipe, and then returned to my husbands side. I was really high. I sat on the grass and listened to Ozzy play. We left from there and went out to eat. Jerry had no idea I was high even though he had given me the ok to do it.

I have allot of stories that I could tell you, not all good. But almost everyone has a story from their stupid days. Like one friend that desperately needed smokes. As he walked to the gas station he fell down the last three steps and fell into the bushes. A friend of ours went and bought him cigarettes and kept him at my place safe. Another friend jumped from the railing of the second story building, to get into the pull quicker than everyone else and slammed his head on the side of the pool. He broke his nose and was in a coma for 2 months. A girl was hanging with her friends at a party and she got to under the influence. A group of boys gang raped her. Nine months later she had a daughter. And the final story. A girl coming home from my party was walking home alone waisted from all the booze. She stumbled off the sidewalk and fell into the street right when a car was coming down the road. She was dragged 100 feet and had her head severed from her body(For the record I offered to walk her home, she told me she had someone).

Like I said the ozz fest was my last time. We moved into our house and Jerry is the only one that has done it since. (yeah it pissed me off when he did it.) He thinks it is stupid that I got mad, but when I would ask him to do it with me, his wife, he would say that it made him sick, and he was scared they would do a drug test at work. But the DJ of this place we do karaoke at offered it to him and he said ok. They snuck around behind the building with 4-5 other people and took some hits. He wouldn't do it with me cause he gets sick but he did it with people he only knows on Saturday nights from 9pm to 1am. He even told me to go do it, but I do not know them well enough and I am sure as hell not doing outside behind a business. I have thought about getting high quite a bit since I quit. Many times I have wanted to score some from a co-worker or an old friend just to make me relax. But then I would think about how upset it would make my husband and walk away instead. I can get some anytime I want I just have to ask. But I have more control than most people.

I think now how stupid I was when I was doing drugs. You sure never think of what is happening when you were doing it. But years later you go OMG. Things like. I shared pipes and joints with many other people. Some people I did not even know that well. I would prep it, hit it, pass it to as many as 9 people. Then hit again after they all had their lips to it. I could have contracted a disease like herpes from doing that. I could have had an undercover cop in the mix and not even thought about it. Going swimming. I could have drowned. I would watch people get shit faced then go out driving. Girls were having sex with whoever supplied the drugs. Thankfully I was in enough control of myself not to sleep with whoever was looking at me. I will admit I got stupid high and incoherently waisted, but never let anyone get in my pants. I new when to stop and go home.

Another thing that I think about is the fact I really had no friends. Except Karen. After I had quit doing drugs they had stopped coming over. When I think about it, the only reason they came over was to get high. Everyone knew that I never ran out of weed or booze. They left when they had gotten too damn high. They would all walk in and either throw their own stash on the table or waited for me to produce it which I always did. Know one came over just to be with me, it was Mary Jane they wanted to see. No fights ever broke out at my place or near my place so I don't know who had had my back in I would have been in trouble.

But I was also a smart drug addict. I never carried any drugs with me. I never smoked in the living room. I refused to smoke it anywhere but inside the house, almost always at my house. I did not drive anywhere when I was high. I was always walking. I also was very careful about who I had in my house. I never let people I did not know into my house, and immediately start getting high. They had to provide it first and all my friends new that. If you pull it out of your pocket, have a dirty pipe, load it, and take the first hit you are welcome.

One other thing that I realized is that I was never sick the whole time I was on drugs. Before I started smoking I always got the flue. After I quit smoking I always got bronchitis and severe migraines. HMMMmmmm maybe I should ask the doctor for it. Medicinal reasons. I never really used drugs to get high I used it to make myself stop doing so much. To make my brain shut up. To put myself in a time out. To unwind. Well that was how it was when I was alone. When I did it with other people it was because I was popular. Everyone liked me when I had the weed. I was the cool girl.

I am not sure I will ever do it again. Most likely I won't. I have been offered many times but I have always turned it down either in fear of my husband being mad or just because I would rather do it at my own home, where I know I am safe. I love the way it smells, to me it is like smelling your most favorite food. I do know this though. If I do ever do it again. I will get fucked up on the first hit. It is so much better to do it every couple of years than every day. The high is much more pleasurable.

Just so you know..... Most people, including me, who do it or did it every single day! They are trying to make that high as good as the first high. It won't happen. But they keep trying in hopes that they will have that experience again. Or they are doing it because everyone else is doing it, kind of a popularity thing. Drugs are like a roller coaster. Your very first time you have no idea what is around the next turn, or how high up you are until you are heading down. When you get on it again you know that it goes upside down, and your face gets sprayed with water, but it still has a wild affect. Ride it even more times and the thrill is there but you know it won't get any better until you get on a different ride that you have never been on. That is why many people keep changing drugs. The next one may have a different effect but it has the same outcome.

My True Best Friend

Ever since I got married there has been no such thing as friends night out. If I go out then it is to go out with my husband. If I did go out with someone other than my husband I always cut out early or do not have as much fun. I would never go to the movies unless it was to see something he was not interested in. I honestly do not know why. Maybe it is because my husband is the only friend I need.

In the past couple of months I have been going out with a few co-workers. Maybe three times in the past 4 months, and always when he is out with his friends, which he does almost every weekend. The first time we went and saw a movie. The second time we went out to dinner and to an amusement park. The other time we went to a bar, did some karaoke, and shot pool. I had one drink when we first got there. I actually had lots of fun, but wanted to return back home to my husband. Evan though he was not home.

Hanging out with friends constantly! That was over 6 years ago. My friends would come to my house or I would go to theirs to get high. That was when my husband and I first started dating. After we were married I would hang out at Denny's or go bowling. The Denny's thing would start around 10pm and ended when my husband would come back from his hunting trip at sunrise. We would all have breakfast and then go our separate ways. Bowling was from 9pm til 1am then I would go home. All my other friends would go over to someones’ house and party.

I really only have two friends, and right now they are both scarce. The one I have known the longest is male, gay, and I have known since September of 92. The other one is female, married with kids, and I have known her since November of 06. She is the one bar pal above. He is the Denny's and bowling pal.

I met Simba in high school through some other female friends. I thought he was cute when we first met but I was not in the market for anyone. We did eventually get together after he had gone with all the other girls in the clan. But I got him the longest. Though we were off and on for two years. We never had sex, we never even french kissed. Plenty of hickies and blue balls though. (Muahahha) We figured being friends and mated souls was good enough. A phone psychic told him we were soul mates. If that was the case I would not be where I am now and he would not be gay. His mother wanted to kill him for all the calls he had made to the psychic line. My parents just adored him, like they did some of my boyfriends. Mostly the homely or adorable ones. Any of the bad boys were disbarred. My parents, Simba and I would all go to Pizza Hut and always got on the jute box and played 'I will always love you' and 'I will do anything for love'. Later in the months we started playing 'Can you feel the love tonight'. The Lion King was our movie. His family even drove me up north to meet more of his family. He went away once for awhile and I left the song 'Since I don't have you' on his families answering machine from beginning to end . We would get yelled at all night by our parents because we were on the phone. While on the phone we would be watching Beavis and Butthead marathons til the crack of dawn. A couple years later he moved to Oklahoma for awhile, and while he was there he called me on my birthday and told me he was gay. Though that did explain why he was not as sexually charged as I was while we were together. Anyways yeah I was pissed when he told me he was gay, for two reasons. One because he was the second guy I had been with that decided taking the northern express through the train tunnel was better than a casual drive through the holland tunnel. I drove all the way to Oklahoma and asked him to come back to Arizona with me, in hopes that if I got him away from there he would be straight again. He told he wanted to stay near his mom and would not go. I stole the ring he was wearing to make him come to me to retrieve it. I did not even tell him I took it. I went to sears and had pictures done, I made sure on the head shots that my hand was very visible because I was wearing the kidnapped ring. He didn't come back right away to get it. I was also upset because it was my fucking birthday. Not too long later is when we lost contact. I wrote and called but my letters never came back and the phone had been disconnected. It was years before I found him again. Actually he found me. I was hooked up with an online place called classmates.com and he contacted me. For roughly a year he would drive to see me at my apartment. We hung out a Dennys' and went shopping together. Because of his long absence I met someone new and had gotten married. My husband was a little threatened at first but after seeing for himself that he IS gay he let us go out and do what we wanted. The song 'unanswered prayers' became my song for simba and I. Now we don't ever get to see each other anymore. He lives north of me and every time I ask him to come see me his car has something wrong with it. I work 7 days a week. So it is very difficult for me to drive all they way up there. So we just play phone tag.

The female, Harlequin, was my associate here at work. She was the best I ever had. (Hmmmmm that sounds really dirty). The best associate I have ever had. But after I had corrupted her I figured she was not able to make enough money working with me and I requested she be moved to a managers position at another location. I know that sounds stupid but she was a single mother who had a car and a house. She needed the money to afford it all. She went with my husband and I to the bar to do Karaoke. Her and her boyfriend at the time, would meet us for dinner. I went with her, and Harley, her daughter, shopping for x-mas. I bought her daughter a necklace. We would sneak away from her mother or daughter to have a cigarette. Whenever she had vehicle issues I would be by her side trying to fix it or get her to where she needed to be. One morning I was late for work because she had ran out of gas. I had even drove out to the middle of no where picked her up and drove her to her car after our boss had gotten so wasted she couldn't drive herself. For her birthday I bought her purple naughty toys, and many other purple things. For my birthday she took me to an amusement park. I was her maid of honor, or as she called it the matron of honor. Though I should have turned it down. All of her bridesmaids would have been more suitable candidates. They had known her much longer than I had. I went through with it because she seemed so sincere about wanting me to be her maid of honor. Though I am really sucky at it. I threw her no party. Well sort of. We went to the cheesecake factory then to a bar. Where we sang karaoke, shot pool and they drank. They being the bride and one of her bridesmaids. Know one else was invited. I have not seen her since two days after my husband got out of the hospital. She works elsewhere now. Our hours are majorly conflicting. She works mon-fri 6am to 230pm and I work everyday 10am to 8pm. Soon to be 9am to 8pm. I told her that if she quit with pca we would have a hard time getting together. She said no, we found out I was right. Now we are phone friends. Just like Simba and I.

Nowadays it is like it used to be. Just me and my husband. Harlequin works so early in the morning that she cant have any late nights with me. Simba he lives so far away and works nights. That is why my husband is the best for me. He won't give me an excuse every time I want to do something with him. I know what his schedule is and when he goes to bed. I won't have to worry about him being mad if I don't feel like going out, cause we can always do something at home. And I won't have to wait for him to be late or not show up at all because I am most likely with him and leaving at the same time. All in all my husband is my best friend and that will never change.